By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, November 5 2021—
I know it’s bad to beat a dead horse, but diamonds are made under pressure.
(October 23 – November 22):
It’s Scorpio season and yet how are you single? Make it make sense.
(November 23 – December 21):
Denying an invitation to your best friend’s party who has done nothing to you is NOT self-care.
(December 22 – January 20):
Not every friend hangout is a networking event, stop doing icebreakers and asking everyone’s five-year plan.
(January 21 – February 19):
You’re not enlightened, you’re just regurgitating what your therapist said to you.
(February 20 – March 20):
You can’t keep switching between being numb and an emotional mess — it’s bad for your heart and acne.
(March 21 – April 20):
Stop shoving people out of the way, I promise you’ll get there in time without having to kick someone.
(April 21 – May 20):
Some might call you low-maintenance. I call you apathetic.
(May 21 – June 21):
If you keep flaking on your friends, you won’t have them around for much longer.
(June 22 – July 22):
Being known as the crybaby of the zodiac is not a stereotype and you know it.
(July 23 – August 21):
Being the centre of attention also means being responsible for your actions.
(August 22 – September 22):
You can’t replace human contact with a high GPA and multiple reference letters.
(September 23 – October 22):
Being indecisive is not “funny” or “quirky” — please hurry up, there’s a line behind you.
This article is part of our humour section.