2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Illustration by Sylvia Lopez

Horoscopes: New year, same signs

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, January 26 2022—

Everyone wants to be hopeful and make new year resolutions that they’ll stick with. Some habits are hard to change but it’s the thought that counts. What do the stars say about your commitment to your resolutions?


(January 19 – February 19):

Your resolution is to be present in the moment. While you will start joining group hangouts more, you will still have a faraway look in your face as you daydream about being back in bed.


(February 20 – March 20):

This year you hope to stick with your resolution of practicing self-care and not letting group projects stress you out. Sadly, your group members will  not be aware of this fact and somehow commit to making it impossible for you to keep this resolution.


(March 21 – April 20):

Your new year resolution is to not get lost in the expectations. This will take a turn when you are confronted with the fact that you will be slightly late to most of your classes due to scheduling conflicts, which you find unacceptable. 


(April 21 – May 20):

A resolution you have this year will be to engage more on campus life. Unsure how to do this, you will try to join a random club but will forget to check how much commitment it will require and somehow end up with an executive position, even though you can’t seem to remember the name of the club.


(May 21 – June 21):

Your new year’s resolution is to put the same energy you give others into yourself. You will mistakenly take this self-care time to focus on the many side projects you had planned instead of taking a break and end up with less free time. 


(June 22 – July 22):

This year you are looking into cleaning up your friend list, and keeping only those who you care about. You will try to not hurt anybody’s feelings during the process so you plan on sending letters, but the message will be lost when they receive it with flowers and hearts doodled on the envelope.


(July 23 – August 21):

Your resolution this year is to work on taking a step back from things that take up your time. However, you will accidentally skip a morning coffee with a fond friend and won’t notice until you get a teary message from your friend asking if they did something to offend you.


(August 22 – September 22):

A resolution you have this year is to do more collaborative work instead of taking on everything by yourself. You will take a leadership role to make sure tasks are done properly but your definition of teamwork is slightly skewed. When someone is struggling or drops the ball, you will take over the task instead of helping them out.


(September 23 – October 22):

For your new year’s resolution, you have decided to be more confident in your decisions and use your own experiences effectively to make them. Unfortunately, you will stick too much with your decisions that it’s impossible to change your mind even if the situation goes south. 


(October 23 – November 22):

A new year’s resolution you have this time around is to avoid drama and gossip. You believe that the best way to do this is to talk nicely about others behind their backs, but you will accidentally let a secret slip about someone you care for and you will have to do major damage control.


(November 23 – December 21):

Your new year’s resolution is to stick to your budget more. You will try to say no to group hangouts and doing takeout but you will indulge more on little trinkets you find online. This will appear as harmless shopping at first, but can quickly turn into an addiction if unchecked.


(December 22 – January 18):

One of your resolutions is to take risks and trust your gut. You will decide to make an investment on cryptocurrency. Comically instead of going for a stock, you will have bought hundreds of tiny, 3D-printed pixelated coins that have no real value.

This article is part of our humour section.

Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer | SU

The Gauntlet