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Horoscopes: How will you ask your Valentine’s Day crush out over Zoom?

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, February 11 2022—

We are still online, but that doesn’t stop anyone from falling — or failing — in love. How will the signs deal with their Zoom crushes?


(January 21 – February 19)

You will send supportive messages to your Zoom crush using the private message function. Unbeknownst to you, your professor will be able to see them and promptly remove the chat function, ruining your romantic attempts. 


(February 20 – March 20)

You will mistakenly take a casual conversation with someone from your breakout room as flirting when they were just trying to get through the discussion questions from the lecture. You will imagine a future together even when the breakout room inevitably ends.


(March 21 – April 20)

You will become a hot commodity amongst your classmates when your professor surprises everyone with an unexpected group project. Your charm will have everyone asking to be your partner and you hope your crush notices what a catch you are.


(April 21 – May 20)

You have been crafting the perfect love letter for your zoom crush. The time for you to share it will present itself when you need to share your screen in a small group with them. You will ignore the other people present and share your screen with your letter opened.


(May 21 – June 21)

You have been struggling to tell your crush how you feel ever since you saw them pop up on your screen. The answer to your dilemma will come to you in the form of a crossword puzzle you will send to your crush with sentences asking them out, and where your first date should be. 


(June 22 – July 22)

In an icebreaker activity with a club you’ve joined, you will suggest playing truth or dare in hopes to ask your crush if they have feelings for you. They will choose dare, and when you dare them to reveal their feelings, suddenly their internet disconnects and they can’t hear you anymore. 


(July 23 – August 21)

You have been in a one-sided competition, trying to get the attention of the class  crush since the start of the semester. They have taken this as an attack, but you assumed it as flirting. When you ask them out after completing another assignment they will be very surprised about how you felt and you might feel a little silly as well.


(August 22 – September 22)

Unbeknownst to you, someone in your class has been crushing on you and they sigh when you talk during lectures. They will ask you out on a study date which you will say yes to since it will keep you on your study schedule. But you won’t be aware of the date portion.


(September 23 – October 22)

During a club event that you were set to host, your crush will see your invite on social media and decide to attend. You will be surprised to see their name pop up, but you will take this opportunity to be the perfect host.


(October 23 – November 22)

You will succeed in planning the perfect date for you and your crush but you’ll chicken out in actually asking them out. You will have their camera pinned during class, even though it will be off.


(November 23 – December 21)

You will have already asked your Zoom crush out but they reject you. Come Valentine’s Day, they will be in your DMs begging for you back. Unfortunately, you planned something with your single friends and it will take everything in you to not choose your crush over your friends. 


(December 22 – January 20)

You will find your Zoom crush on LinkedIn and try to increase your network and skills list. You ask them out by following them and sending a private message asking them if they’d like to network with you someday.

This article is part of our humour section.

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