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Government to introduce geese extermination law after Zoology student’s traumatic attack

By Sophia Lopez, June 7 2022

On Monday morning, a Zoology student from the University of Calgary was viciously attacked by geese on campus while collecting feces for their thesis. Out of respect for the victim, the Gauntlet has chosen keep the student’s name anonymous until they are ready to integrate themselves into society again. 

In an interview with the Gauntlet, the student reflected on that horrific morning and explained her frustration with the situation, though she didn’t find it unexpected. 

“I knew that going out to collect geese feces was a risk — everyone knows that,” she said. “But I never thought I would be the one to face such an attack. I always would take all the necessary precautions such as bringing geese spray and wearing a protective helmet, but I guess that wasn’t enough.”

While the student has finally left the hospital after two whole days, she continues to heal from the geese attacks — physically and mentally.

“It was just so sudden, I didn’t know how to react or defend myself,” she said. “One minute I was collecting poop and the next I was fighting for my life to get about five geese off of me. It’s definitely something I’ll never forget.”

The student is still recovering from bruises, cuts and a concussion caused by the mother goose. A U of C therapist has been assigned to the student to help her recover from these events.

“She’s doing alright but it’s going to take her some time to heal,” said the therapist. “Geese attacks are becoming more common as the days go on but she’s strong, she’ll get through it.”

The word of more geese attacks throughout the city has sparked concern from the government, leading them to the proposition of a new bill to exterminate any violent geese in Calgary. In a statement from the government, they send condolences to the student who was recently attacked and said more action was going to take place.

“This is not the first geese attack we’ve seen this year, enough is enough,” read the public statement. “We are speaking with parliament to find a way to rid the city of fear and get rid of these viscous creatures once and for all.”

While the majority of the city is supporting the government’s decision to exterminate the geese, some people are opposed to this solution — including the Geese Preservation Club at U of C. In a public statement made in response to the government’s, the Geese Preservation Club’s president said this solution was unacceptable and that viscous geese should be left alone.

“I’m outraged that the government’s first response is to just get rid of the geese,” read the statement. “It would be more sensible to have a one-on-one sit down with these creatures and really see what the problem is and see what we can do for them.”

Students demonstrated their disagreement with this statement on Reddit, which unfortunately has led to the president suddenly resigning today. The student who was recently attacked also shared her disgust with the club’s lack of support. 

“After everything I’ve been through, to read that statement, it’s truly just disgusting,” said the student. “After taking all the precautions — even wearing that ridiculous protective helmet — and seeing it did nothing, they still want to try and deal with these monsters? That’s ridiculous.”

While the government decides what to do, the U of C has decided to increase campus security and place a curfew from 10 p.m. to 9 a.m. — the times where geese are more likely to attack. 

“I hope these extra steps will help keep students safe for the time being,” said the student. “I would hate to see more students get attacked just for collecting poop.”

More information on the government’s plan to get rid of violent geese will be released later this week.

This article is part of our humour section.

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