2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Illustration by Valery Perez

LeBron James trades Russell Westbrook for the first guy he points at in a restaurant

By Rodrigo Verney, July 6 2022

The trade rumours finally came to an end during the 2022 NBA draft night. LeBron James, Lakers star, general manager, owner, and father, traded his teammate Russell Westbrook after a heated debate in a local restaurant. James allegedly wanted Westbrook out ever since their underwhelming season. The former Oklahoma city all-star went on to say that the Lakers will miss his “unstoppable fadeaway”. However, the team agrees that the only “unstoppable fadeaway” is LeBron’s hairline — so they are covered in that respect for now.

The biggest problem for the Lakers was their salary cap in order to bring an exceptional talent to complement the number of turnovers Westbrook would have. James got tired of the bureaucracy and began arguing with the team at an Italian restaurant. King James allegedly pointed randomly to Ryan Willson, a data analyst that was sitting next to the team. The man was confirmed to be dining alone on a Wednesday night which is “sad” as the team puts it. The Lakers’ small forward Carmelo Anthony gave his thoughts on the recently acquired teammate.

“It was sad, man. He was deep in his thoughts. Just devouring that pasta. He ordered the plain one, like, just tomato sauce — he’s 39 years old with the palate of a five-year-old. That is the staple of a man who has nothing to lose. We need that energy,” Anthony stated.

Anthony Davis, the Lakers’ power forward, tried to appease the situation and make James come to his senses. However, he seemed to have coughed a bit too hard and twisted his ankle as a result. He will be out for the remainder of the season. Willson tried to help Davis by, allegedly, touching the ankle area repeatedly while asking if “this hurts.” The team was amazed by this display of teamwork so early on in his contract.

The media rushed into the restaurant to break the news to the world. James quickly explained that he wanted to trade Westbrook for a long time and that he was considering a bag of potatoes as a great deal. It seemed to be a sure thing, until King James read on Twitter that the New York Knicks were quicker to add a bag of potatoes to their rotations, after trading half the roster to offer a maximum deal of $115 million for four years in exchange for the bag. 

James restated that the replacement they found was just as good as the potatoes, and the media had some questions for Willson. It appears the deal that James negotiated with him involved his company receiving Westbrook and $41 million. In exchange, Willson will get “some friends for once” as he said. When asked about what will he do once he get’s the ball in his hands, Willson only had one thing in mind.

“I would have to pass it back to LeBron,” he said while repeatedly chocking on his pasta.

Many sports analysts agree that this type of quick thinking is what the team was lacking in the last season, even Steven A. Smith had something to say. 

“We could be looking at the next Michael Jordan if he stays healthy, and if every other player resigns immediately,” he said. 

Other commentators are more skeptical, as we are yet to see what adjustments the Lakers will make after this impressive trade.

This article is part of our humour section.

Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer | SU

The Gauntlet