Horoscope: Stampede starring the signs

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, July 8 2022—

Stampede — or endearingly called ‘Pede — season is here. How will the signs spend it this year?

CANCER

(June 21 – July 22):

Making plans with your friends this Stampede season will prove difficult. Make sure everyone is aware of the plan lest you get left riding the Superwheel by yourself.

LEO

(July 23 – August 21):

You’ll want to go on every single ride to impress your friends with how you’re not scared. Except, as soon as any of the rides start — even the Crazy Mouse — a scream will escape from your mouth, breaking that spell of bravery.

VIRGO

(August 22 – September 22):

This year you find yourself working at a food stand selling a creation of yours that you used to have in past summers as a kid. You avoided telling others about this in fear of being made fun of, so you take staged pictures posing as if you were volunteering at a soup kitchen.

LIBRA

(September 23 – October 22):

In an effort to go to Stampede, you called in sick to work. Unfortunately, you run into a family member that knows your boss on social media and you spend all day avoiding showing up on stories or snaps that will expose you.

SCORPIO

(October 23 – November 22):

Whether it is with a friend or a loved one, don’t force them into a competition that involves eating as much pickle-related food as possible — it will not end well for you. Sometimes just having a funnel cake or some mini-donuts is enough.

SAGITTARIUS

(November 23 – December 21):

Be careful at one of the Midway games. Even if the plush you see is the softest, biggest one there is, do not spend all your money trying to get it. If you can’t get it on the first try, let someone else do it for you.

CAPRICORN

(December 22 – January 20):

Avoid committing a faux pas — like saying “yeehaw” instead of “yahoo” — and getting excluded from more Stampede activities. 

AQUARIUS

(January 21 – February 19):

While watching horse racing this year, a memory — maybe from a past life — about being in greener pastures will surge to you. You archive it as something to bring up next time your family confronts you for galloping around. 

PISCES

(February 20 – March 20):

You unknowingly approach your friends about meeting up for Stampede as if you were in a multi-level marketing scheme. They get worried you have fallen for a pyramid scheme and they will form a separate group chat to hold an intervention for you. Maybe avoid a “hey girly” text.

ARIES

(March 21 – April 20):

You have planned this moment for months, investing in an outfit for every Stampede day. Your plans can fall through when you run into an old co-worker who won’t take the hint and will stick to you, derailing your plans. 

TAURUS

(April 21 – May 20):

You are easily swayed by others and may be forced to try random food you don’t want to or get on rides that don’t look like they could pass any kind of inspection. While many of your friends will say it was a blast, you will consider staying home for the next few weeks to recover.

GEMINI

(May 21 – June 21):

You agreed to go see a show at the Grandstand but regret it immediately once you get there. In an effort to leave with the excuse of going to the bathroom, you get pulled into the show, forced to perform on stage against your will. Your friends are of no help as they believe you were planning this all along and take videos of you on stage.

This article is part of our humour section.