Horoscope: What monster would you f**k based on your sign

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, February 17 2022—

Everyone has their celebrity crush, that one person from their class that they would ask out, or even the questionable ex that your friends always like to remind you of. To even out the playing field, it’s time to see what monster you would consider risking it all for one night of passionate — or very terrifying — boning.

AQUARIUS

(January 20–February 18):

The chupacabra fulfils your fantasies of “I can fix him” and all the omegaverse fanfic you read. It’s your innate need to understand each other beyond words that makes this match work somehow.

PISCES

(February 19–March 20):

Not everyone can match the enormity of your feelings, which is why Godzilla is the object of your affection. Who else but the most reliable monster of them all?

ARIES

(March 21–April 19):

We know you like a challenge, even if it means one of the major demons from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Balrog. This giant fiery beast is not for the faint of heart and you’re the person up for the challenge.

TAURUS

(April 20–May 20):

Meet your dream monster in the comforts of your home with soft, cuddly and caring James P. Sullivan from Monsters Inc. He has direct access to your room and knows how to make you scream, need I say more?

GEMINI

(May 21–June 20):

Your charm is hard to capture and you need someone like you, hence the Rat King is your perfect match. It will be a sort of romantic entanglement that you can’t get enough of, whether you want it to end or not.

CANCER

(June 21–July 22):

Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is shown as a character that loves the sea and can’t get away from it. Along with his dramatic musical talents, he is a skilled sailor who knows his way around ropes like no other.

LEO

(July 23–August 22):

You’ve heard of how you can feel someone’s eyes on you, but have you ever wanted to take it to the next level? The Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth can fulfill your fantasy with eyes on both hands and an unquenchable hunger.

VIRGO

(August 23–September 22):

Normally, you’re chalked off as the straight-edge but everyone has their wild side and with you, there is a need to tame a bad boy. This manifests in your irrational crush on Hellboy and your fantasy of domesticating him.

LIBRA

(September 23–October 22):

To make things easier for yourself, a cyclops is the best bet since you’ve got only one eye to look at. No need to trick or blind one when your charm can win one over as easily as tending a flock of sheep.

SCORPIO

(October 23–November 21):

It’s hard to find someone who will stick around with you through thick and thin, so the symbiote Venom has the upper hand above others. No need to open up to anyone if they’re with you — and in you — always.

SAGITTARIUS

(November 22–December 21):

To keep things interesting and ongoing, there’s always the Xenomorph. The suspense created by this creature’s perfect hunting abilities is exactly what you want in a partner: to be chased.

CAPRICORN

(December 22–January 19):

You want someone who is no nonsense and gets straight to the point. That’s why a Dalek from the British-show Doctor Who does it for you in a way no one wants to understand.

This article is part of our humour section.