So your bus driver is 5,000 bees in a trench coat

By Melanie Woods, January 21 2016 —

We’ve all been there. It’s 5:00 p.m. and you’re cruising down Crowchild Trail on Route 9. It was a long day at school and you really just want to go home, microwave a frozen pizza and start writing that big paper you have due. That’s when you pull up to an intersection, the friendly guy driving the bus turns around to shoulder check and you realize he’s actually just 5,000 bees in a trench coat. What should you do?

Stay calm. Your bus driver may be 5,000 bees in a trench coat, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a person worthy of respect.

Focus on something else. Admire the stunning scenery and views of the Peace Bridge as your bus cruises over the river. Gaze upon the massive oil and gas industry skyscrapers and ponder the pending demise of Calgary’s oil-based economy, realizing that in a decade our beautiful city will likely resemble Detroit — a decrepit shell of its former glory. The doom of traditional industry will distract you from the presence of the 5,000 bees in a trench coat driving the bus.

Listen to music. The incessant buzzing of 5,000 bees in a trench coat getting to you? Pop in your headphones and listen to the new track Kanye just dropped. Nothing like a little Yeezy to distract you from the fact that you’re on a bus driven by 5,000 bees in a trench coat.

Don’t make eye-contact with the 5,000 bees in a trench coat. Bees are notoriously touchy and will take personal offense if you look them in the eye — or 25,000 eyes, as each individual honeybee has five eyes. That’s a lot of eyes.

Don’t mention that your bus driver is 5,000 bees in a trench coat. If there’s anything 5,000 bees in a trench coat hate more than eye contact, it’s being reminded that they are 5,000 bees in a trench coat masquerading as a human Calgary Transit bus driver.

Ask what 5,000 bees in a trench coat can do for you. Just because your bus driver is 5,000 bees in a trench coat doesn’t mean they aren’t knowledgeable about Calgary Transit’s routes and policies. Ask them where you can get on Route 10. You’ll receive the screaming cacophony of 5,000 bees in a trench coat in response.

Donate to bee conservation efforts. It’s not just about pollination anymore — we all need courageous swarms of 5,000 bees in a trench coat to step in when Calgary Transit can’t find any real human beings to hire.