The future is real, and we know everything about it

 

By Kate Jacobson, March 5 2015 —

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

In a Freaky Friday series of events, you will wake up in the body of Michael Cera. There will be no going back. This is your life now.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will find out you are adopted when your mom accidentally lets it slip while eating a pumpkin-spice chocolate-chip muffin.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will become a Vine sensation after your friends film you eating a beef saté sub and remix it to Drake’s “Truffle Butter.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your friends will put 14 dead gophers in the trunk of your car. While driving to Vancouver, they will attract a mountain lion who will become your lover after you save its life from a group of trigger-happy youths. The two of you will be very happy together.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will get into a fight with your boss about semicolons and end up weeping softly into a chicken donair in the university parking lot at 3:00 a.m.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will go to Disneyworld with your extended family, and be forced to ride It’s a Small World seven times. You won’t be able to get the song out of your head. You’ll turn around in the driveway. The dolls will have followed you home. It is a small world, after all.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

While on a road trip, you will be forced to stop at a 7-11 to buy windshield washer fluid. You will purchase and eat seven taquitos, then spend the next two hours complaining to everyone about how you don’t feel well.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will think you see a tall, dark, handsome stranger while out hiking. It is a bear. You are stupid.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

While drunk, you will let a friend tattoo a character from Over the Hedge on your neck. You have a job interview at Suncor in two days.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will find out you have pinkeye. You methodically go around your office, rubbing your eye and touching everyone’s mouse. Your coworkers will assume it is a horrible coincidence, but you know what you have done.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will have a horse-themed wedding. You don’t even like horses. They terrify you. One stepped on your foot when you were five. Why are you doing this?

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will win the lottery and retire at the tender age of 25. Like all retirees, you will then relocate to Florida, the worst part of the United States of America. Your friends will miss you, but they are unwilling to brave the horrendous battlefield of America’s sunshine state.