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Politics decided by Super Smash Brothers

By Melanie Woods, March 19 2015 —

In light of the recent criticism of Alberta Premier Jim Prentice, an investigation has been launched into his leadership.

A team of researchers, led by political analyst Garth King, discovered that Prentice didn’t win the PC leadership through a party vote as previously thought. Rather, he triumphed in a three-day Super Smash Brothers Melee tournament.

Furthermore, King revealed that countless government decisions have been made by way of Smash; dating back to the era of Ralph Klein.

King’s team released a complex bracket system comprised of MLAs and notable PC members who all vied for leadership in September. Participants included Thomas Lukaszuk and Ric McIver playing as pink Link and Fox, respectively, as well as former University of Calgary chancellor Jim Dinning, who played as Pichu.

Over the course of the PC leadership tournament held in the basement of the legislature, Prentice methodically eliminated all challengers until he was the sole remaining combatant, and thus the de facto leader of Alberta. He reportedly plays as Luigi. 

“Luigi is an unconventional choice,” King noted. “I’d expect someone with Prentice’s ruthlessness to go for Falco or Marth.”

King’s report revealed that the PCs follow standard tournament rules: four stock, eight minutes, items off and only specific maps.

“Rest assured,” King said. “The fate of your province hasn’t been resting on Pokéfloats or anything. That would be crazy.”

Many participants such as Dinning weren’t seriously invested in the premiership and claimed they were playing for fun. King notes, however, that Prentice was playing with the skills and finesse of someone who had practiced for hundreds of hours.

“He was ruthless,” King said. “Looking back at the stats, he KO’d half a dozen MLAs by wave-dashing. I don’t know how he landed it every single time, but he did.”

King said that the apparent democratic vote for the PC party leadership was an elaborate cover up for the true nature of Albertan politics.

“You’d be surprised at the number of decisions the PC government has made through Super Smash Brothers,” Kind said. “This province is built on Smash.”

This extended to Wildrose floor crossings in December.

“Prentice and former Wildrose leader Danielle Smith had a bet going, you see,” King said. “She played as Shiek and lost horribly. She tried to air-dodge while off the edge of Corneria, preventing her from using her recovery move. That’s why she crossed the floor. Same thing with all of the MLAs that followed her. They were all casualties of Luigi Jim.”

Prentice hasn’t been without his losses, however.

“During the market modifier debates in December he played against a student representative to see if they all would be approved,” King said. “Prentice won 26 out of 27 matches. During the one he lost, he said it was all the controller’s fault and that it ‘need only look in the mirror’ to see what it had done.”

Lieutenant Governor Donald Ethell supplies all of the combatants with jalapeno Cheetos and Mountain Dew for the duration of the tournaments.

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