It’s all going to shit — but here’s your future anyways

By Melanie Woods, November 24 2015 —

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

While wandering around the basement of the admin building, you will come across a basket of golden retriever puppies, but Jim Dinning will prevent you from rescueing them. Their sad eyes will haunt you.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

After questioning the University of Calgary’s commitment to the student experience, you will be kidnapped by masked men and dangled off the edge of one of the construction cranes working on the new engineering building. You will have to promise to “always keep your eyes this high” before the kidnappers bring you down.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Provost Dru Marshall will defeat you in a hard-fought match of field hockey. There was no way you could win — why did you even try?

 Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will spend $150,000 on a staircase and feel no regret.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

You will find secret documents from administration detailing their plans to get rid of Bake Chef when they take over MacHall. Now that’s truly evil.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

In 15 years, you will direct an E! True Hollywood Story-style made-for-TV movie based on the events of recent U of C controversies. Unable to find the right performer, you will cast yourself as president Elizabeth Cannon. Your stirring performance will garner many award nominations — ironically, all will be sponsored by Enbridge.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You will experience the student experience.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

When you go to pay your tuition for next semester, you will be told that you also must surrender your rights to free will, integrity and autonomy.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

While you are working part-time at a local coffee shop, provost Dru Marshall will come in. When you ask her what she wants to order, assuming her usual bran muffin, she will decline to comment while the matter is before the courts.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will accept a generous corporate gift from Enbridge in return for legally changing your name to “Enbridge Student #1” and devoting your life to serving the corporation.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will organize a protest against university administration in response to recent scandals. However, the Board of Governors will play a Monopoly® “get out of jail free” card, expunging upper-level administrators of all responsibility.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will go to put on president Elizabeth Cannon’s “university hat” only to find a much larger “corporate hat” made entirely out of brand-new $100 bills underneath.