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Louie Villanueva

Provost Dru Marshall put in cryofreeze as MacHall mediation extended, again

By Melanie Woods, March 29 2016 —

The University of Calgary and its Students’ Union announced on March 24 they had extended the ongoing MacHall mediation period — again. This marks the third time the mediation period has been extended.

As a result, university administration announced they would place provost Dru Marshall in cryofreeze for the remainder of the mediation period.

“Who knows how long this will take,” U of C president Elizabeth Cannon said. “We need to be at the top of our game should this return to the courts — even if it takes 100, 200 or 10,000 years. Our top dogs better be ready to rumble.”

Cannon said mediation could continue until the next millennia.

“Myself and the rest of the team will remain awake and functional to handle any further extensions. We certainly plan on extending the mediation period another 10 or 20 more times,” Cannon said. “But we’re putting Dru on ice just in case we need that extra punch when mediation finally ends.”

Marshall will be stored in a secret underground cryogenic chamber beneath the administration building. The chamber is fitted with digital and print archives of all information relating to the dispute and is impenetrable to fire, flooding and nuclear attack. It was installed beneath the glass staircase in the administration building as part of the  2014’s controversial office upgrades.

“We couldn’t have anticipated mediation taking this long or that the SU would have the balls to sue in the first place, but we always knew a cryogenic freezing chamber for upper-level administration might come in handy,” Cannon said. “Worst case scenario, it would’ve been a neat way to freeze any baked goods leftover from the annual administration bake off.”

Cannon said future U of C administrators will be entrusted with information on how to summon Marshall should the need arise.

“As part of the presidential transition package — in addition to documents like the recipe for the perfect cobb salad and the personal contact information of various influential figures in the oil and gas sector — there will be a sealed brown envelope of instructions to be opened in case negotiations heat up in the future,” Cannon said.

The cryogenic freezing process will act as the centrepiece of the U of C’s upcoming 50th anniversary celebration, alongside speeches and presentations from current and former students and staff.

“We think it’ll be a real showstopper to have Dru dramatically lowered into the chamber — Han Solo in carbonite style — while we project images of the U of C throughout the years,” Cannon said. “It will act as a reminder of the U of C’s commitment to the student experience in the past, present and cryogenically preserved future.”

Marshall said she’s excited to be the face of negotiations in the future.

“When I awake, it will be to a whole new world,” Marshall said. “West Campus will be completed, the university will have moved onto its 20th iteration of an Eyes High branding strategy — my money’s on ‘Eyes Highest of All’ — and the SU will have grown too tired and feeble to fight back any longer. It will be so beautiful.”

Having spent a large chunk of their professional fees on the legal process of mediation, the SU is unable to afford cryogenic technology. SU president Levi Nilson said they will have to do it “the old fashioned way.”

“I may not be president forever, but I’m committed to waiting this out until the day I die,” Nilson said wearily. “And then my children will learn how to handle this mediation. My children’s children. This will be my legacy.”

Nilson said he will live in the SU MacHall offices until his death.

“As long as I or any of my named heirs are under this roof, no one’s taking MacHall,” Nilson said. “That’s a promise.”

This article is part of our humour section.

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