Take a big bite out of your tasty, tasty future

By Jill Girgulis, March 29 2016 –

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

A salad you ordered from a MacHall vendor that cannot be named due to an FBI ongoing investigation will be so gross that you will find yourself craving Dining Centre food. Yes, it will be that bad. You may die.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

After years of watching speed skaters and varsity athletes receive discounted buckwheat waffles from Fuel for Gold, you will formulate an elaborate scheme to become a Dinos athlete by founding your own varisty speed-walking team.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You will go to Sweet & Savory and order a truly sweet and savoury dish — salted caramel frozen yogurt with a red curry glaze.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

After a particularly rough presentation, you and your fellow group members will head to MacHall on a quest for some tasty pizza. You will wait at the Den for three hours and they will still get your order wrong.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will have a hard time deciding whether to commit to the 20-person Tim Hortons line or to just buy something cheap from the Coffee Company.  By the time you make up your mind, the express Tim Hortons will be out of everything except stale steeped tea.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will get a bit too wild at Thursden. Later that evening, you will be politely asked to leave Denny’s after taking three hours to eat a single chocolate chip pancake.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

After you piss off the Stör cashier by repeatedly asking them why it’s not spelled  “Store,” they will start charging you a $10 fee every time you use the debit machine to make a purchase. Those motherfuckers.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Your classmate will challenge you to a sushi-eating contest at Umi Sushi Express. After being declared the victor, you will feel so bloated that you could roll all the way to California. Get it? Because California rolls are a kind of sushi.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

In the midst of a paper-writing haze, you will inadvertently pour coffee into a snack size Watermelon Wiggle smoothie from Jugo Juice. It will turn out to be the best thing you’ve tasted since reading week.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You will go to Dairy Queen to spend your last $5 on a mini Blizzard — only to discover that they are retiling their walls after an unfortunate incident involving a raccoon and lava lamp.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Upon learning that employees at Subway are referred to as “sandwich artists,” you will immediately apply for a job -— you need that shit on your resumé.

 Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

You will be assigned a project that asks you to determine the best banana bread deal on campus. After weeks of intensive research, the choice will come down to La Prep, Bake Chef and the Dining Centre.