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50 ways to celebrate the University of Calgary’s 50th anniversary in style

By Melanie Woods, April 5 2016 —

The University of Calgary turns 50 this year. While administration will host a multitude of anniversary themed events and activities throughout the year, that doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate half a century of the U of C in your own way. Some of our suggestions are a bit aggressive, some are old-fashioned fun and all of them are incredibly serious — but at least one will work for you.

1. Make it throwback Thursday every day! Comb through old black and white photos to find people making hilarious faces.

2. Instead of a throwback, why not try a “throwbrick” — throw a brick through university president Elizabeth Cannon’s first-floor administration window. Worried you won’t be able to find it? If you’re standing in front of Science A and looking at the administration building, it’s the first one on the left, closest to the train station.

3. Actually, don’t do that. Lawsuits are stressful.

4. Drink.

5. Read the Gauntlet. Please.

6. Find a discarded roll up the rim cup on the ground. Shamefully roll it up. Lose. Realize this is a metaphor for your future.

7. Keep on rockin’ in the free world — or at least the moderately free, probably academically influenced by large oil corporations, world.

8. Challenge provost Dru Marshall to a raucous game of Settlers of Catan. You’ll spend nine months in closed-door mediation trying to trade one sheep for one wheat, and  still lose terribly.

9. Take a selfie with the baby owls by the train.

10. Give all of your professors a chili pepper rating on Rate My Prof, even if they don’t deserve it.

11. Drink some more.

12. Spend three hours waiting for an order of chicken strips at the Den.

13. Write for the Gauntlet. Please.

14. Track down every professor that’s ever given you a low grade and force them to compete in a Hunger Games-style deathmatch.

15. Wander through some of the older buildings on campus. Get lost in the basement of the MacKimmie tower. Die of starvation after your supply of gum and trail mix runs out.

16. Recreate the bowling alley that used to be in the basement of MacHall by rolling bowling balls down the hall by Subway. It’s totally safe and legal.

17. Show your love and devotion for the U of C by spending the next year living on one of the TFDL beanbag chairs.

18. Loudly sing Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” off-key as you walk from class to class. Trust us, everyone will love it.

19. Write a heartfelt card to the Taylor family thanking them for ensuring you will never name your child Taylor.

20. Just get fucking drunk, ok?

21. Paint Marxist propaganda on one of the campus rocks.

22. Did we mention you should read the Gauntlet?

23. Spray-paint an eel on the side of the EEEL building and laugh at your own stupid joke for two hours.

24. Lift up thine eyes, then roll them at how tired you are of all the Eyes High jokes.

25. Take the rest of the semester off. No one will really care that much.

26. Reconsider whether or not you should’ve thrown a brick through Elizabeth Cannon’s window.

27. Start mixing your liquor. We recommend trying the Gauntlet Gamble. Mix an ounce each of vodka, tequila, white rum, gin and jaegermeister. Shake and pour over rocks. Garnish with two Cadbury mini eggs. Regret everything.

28. Make a game out of counting the colourful red and gold banners on the lampposts around campus. Think about how much money they cost.

29. Dress the Prairie Chicken in a formal evening gown. Gotta look fancy for such a special occasion!

30. Bake a cake entirely from ingredients available at Stör.

31. Keep mixing your liquor. Start doing drugs.

32. Get a U of C tattoo. We recommend either Elizabeth Cannon’s face or the stunning skyline of the Earth Sciences building.

33. Rub the dick of the statue outside of EEEL for good luck on all of your exams.

34. Rub your own dick for good luck.

35. Sift through all of the Bake Chef order sheets until you find the one numbered 420. Roll a fat blunt with it, and fucking blaze it.

36. Celebrate the new Energize: Eyes High campaign by downing four energy drinks and running laps around Science A.

37. Hunt and kill one of the campus rabbits. Roast it over a spit on the TFDL quad.

38. Steal peregrine falcon eggs from the top of Craigie Hall and raise them as your own children. Love and care for your beautiful baby birds.

39. Read through the Gauntlet archives and revel in all of the awful racist opinions we used to have.

40. Make out with the dino statue outside of the kinesiology complex. Kiss that awful red plaster dino real good.

41. Snort cocaine off of one of the projectors in Science Theatres 140.

42. Snort cocaine off the glass staircase in the administration building.

43. Snort cocaine off of literally everything in fucking sight. You’re a cocaine addict now.

44. Take advantage of the recent beautiful weather and sunbathe nude on the TFDL quad.

45. Spin the zipper for good luck. Get your arm stuck in it and dislocate your shoulder.

46. Repeatedly say “mo shuile togam suas” until it starts to sound like “my school fucking sucks.” Ponder if this was some sort of a Freudian slip.

47. Figure out which first-year residence room was former prime minister Stephen Harper’s. Have super kinky sex there.

48. Post thousands of lizard memes in the #ucalgary50 hashtag.

49. Drop acid and walk around the Nickle Galleries on the first floor of TFDL.

50. Last — but certainly not least — graduate and get the hell out of here.

This article is part of our humour section.

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