What does your May long weekend have in store?

By Derek Baker, May 17 2016 — 

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You will reignite Alberta’s economy when you spend an unimaginable amount of money at the Banff candy store, despite promising yourself you’d only purchase a single block of fudge.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

While roasting a marshmallow over a campfire, it will expand so much that it will engulf the entire earth. An alien race will one day use our planet for a galactic s’more, smushing it between two black holes.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

Despite never camping as a child, your dad will suggest that the whole family embrace the wilderness this weekend. You will end up at a Best Western by sunset.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will catch the biggest fish in the Bow River this weekend. Unfortunately, no one brought a camera. This was supposed to be your new Tinder profile picture.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will have an existential crisis after your friend ironically plays Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” while hiking. There really is always gonna be another mountain, and you really are always gonna wanna make it move.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Seeing as you couldn’t get a summer job in this economy, this May long weekend isn’t very exciting. For you, every day is a holiday.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Your friend will mistakenly pack hairspray instead of bear spray after mishearing the packing list. Upon seeing a bear on a hike, you will give him the freshest look he’s ever had.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

With the provincial fire ban in effect, you will joke to the park warden that your mixtape may not be allowed, since it is straight fire.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Your spring class professor will assign a 20-page paper due Tuesday morning after the break, which you will complete while drunk in the back of a rental RV.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

After forgetting to wear sunscreen, your skin will be so red that a moose will mistake you for a large strawberry and try to eat you.

 Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

The fight that breaks out between your friends over who gets to control the music on the drive to the campsite will be so lengthy that you will only make it through half of The Proclaimers’ “500 miles” before arriving.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

In something out of a Ray Bradbury story, you will be stuck in a temporal loop where you continue to relive the long weekend over and over. You can only escape the cycle by getting a lower back tattoo of four minions wearing crocs.