What does the new school year have in store for you?

By Derek Baker, August 30 2016 —

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

While waiting to take the bus outside of Murray Fraser Hall, a futuristic-looking hovercraft will pull up instead. You will skeptically hop on as the driver warns that Bloinkzors from Planet Zurgon are coming to attack.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will get so high that you will be convinced that the “Paperclip” statue outside of the Olympic Oval can be used as an actual paperclip. Campus security will escort you off the structure as you attempt to place six pieces of paper on top of it.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will wait so long in line for the first Thursden of the year that the court case over the ownership of MacHall will finish.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

It will be so windy that the Prairie Chicken will fly away. Unfortunately, you will be caught while sitting under it and it will drag you along into the upper stratosphere.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Outraged at textbook prices, you will organize a revolution of the students, seizing the means of publication. Overthrowing the book-eoisie, textbooks will be free for everyone and bring all of us to a new utopia.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 

Angered at the price of parking on campus, you will change your major to physics and research a way to teleport.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will have an existential crisis after you read Leon the Frog for the first time climbing up the Social Sciences building. Aren’t we all just Leon the Fog, just trying to “up, hop, up, hop, hop, up, up” our way through life?

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

Vowing to do better in school this year, you will literally hit the books and beat information out of them.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Eager to impress your professor, you will spend half of the semester in the middle of the front row. Whenever your professor asks a question, you will eagerly raise your hand to answer it. Around mid-October, you will realize that you’ve been in the wrong lecture this whole time.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Determined to be more active around campus, you will put your name down for every club’s e-mail list during Clubs Week. By the end of the year, you will have over 20,000 unread messages in your inbox, one of which was a legitimate offer of one million dollars if you fill out a short survey.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will perform a research project in your honours ecology class to examine the population dynamics of the rabbits at the University of Calgary.  Turns out, there is only one rabbit on campus and he is just really, really fast.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

During Kickoff, you will get so excited when the Dinos score a touchdown that you run across the field in nothing but a pair of skin-tight dinosaur-printed briefs. You will now be known as “that guy who ran across the field in stegosaurus underwear” for the rest of your undergraduate career.