2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Justin Quaintance

Five steps to get out of paying your outrageously high student loans

By Jake Robinson, September 20 2016 —

You could have sold your soul to Satan. Then, if you played the fiddle, you’d at least have a chance to get it back. Unfortunately, you sold yours to the Canadian Student Loans people. They may not have horns, but they’re less forgiving. If you hope to weasel out of paying back your loans, you’ll need to do a lot more than just brush up on the violin.

Step one: Take classes until we achieve a post-scarcity society

Your student loans aren’t due until you graduate, leave school or take six months off. As long as you stay enrolled without graduating, your student loans will never be due. Combine failing, retaking and fabricating classes until 2040 and you’re in the clear. Because 2040 is some sci-fi bullshit year. There’s no way we won’t just have replicators pooping out college degrees every five feet. But on the chance money still exists …

Step two: Devalue the Canadian dollar

The Canadian dollar is subject to inflation. Your loans, on the other hand, will stay exactly the same.

First, convert all your money into Dutch kroners. Then, get your hands on a printing press to mass-produce forged Canadian bills — the steps required to obtain such an object are so obvious that I won’t insult your intelligence by going into detail. Once the press is running, the Canadian dollar will collapse. Convert your kroners back into the now inflated dollar, then pay back your student loans for the equivalent price of four Happy Meals®. However, if your counterfeiting operation is discovered …

Step three: Fake your death

Student loan debt is forgiven upon death. All you’ll need is a cadaver from the medical school, gasoline, a friend’s car, a pair of pliers and the resolve to pull your own teeth. Once the immolated corpse with your chompers in its mouth is burnt to a crisp, it will be indistinguishable from you. But if you’re unwilling to tear out your teeth, you can try …

Step four: Hide in international waters

Getting your hands on a ship may involve further criminal endeavors, but you’re about to cash a crime blank cheque. International waters basically yell, “Time out!” at the world’s cops. Like a pirate, you’ll sail the seas, taking oil tankers hostage and founding cults at every port. Sleep easy knowing you are free of student debt. However, if never touching dry land again is too much for you, there’s only one thing to do …

Step five: Bring down the Canadian government

You didn’t want to do this — you love Justin Trudeau’s wind-blown locks like every other Canuck. But you must take back your country from the occupiers who crushed you under the heel of oppressive loans. Travel to where revolution is already brewing — the separatists of Québec, disgruntled small-town Albertans living in a Liberal Canada or Vancouver when the Canucks lose. You will be the spark that burns this whole damn system down. Viva la revolution! Viva la not paying back student loans!


This article is part of our humour section.

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