These horoscopes predict your future is for the birds

By Derek Baker, November 22 2016 —

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Upon receiving word that there is a family of Canadian geese on the path you use to walk to school, your commute will become 30 minutes longer after a necessary detour around their nest. Everyone knows that they’ll mess you up.

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

What’s that in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Superman? Wait, yes, it is just a bird — and it just shat on your head.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will go to University Research Park to feed the ducks bread. However, since the ducks are so acclimated to being around humans, they are a little bit aggressive and will not stand for any teasing. After you pretend to throw a piece of bread, an unimpressed duck will pull out a knife and shank you in the back when you’re not looking.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

After buying a pet parrot, you will think that it’s funny to teach it to say brash expletives whenever someone enters the room. Unfortunately, the hilarity will end when you invite your significant other’s family over for Christmas dinner and Polly says a few choice words. Your significant other’s mother will leave the house crying.

 

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

While sitting in an ecology lecture about bird behaviour, your friend and you will start Googling pictures of the strangest bird species you can think of. Though there are several odd-looking birds out there, you will reach an agreement that the potoo truly is the fowl-est of them all.

 

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

Like something straight out of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, hundreds of birds will begin swooping down on you one day while you go for a walk outside. You will then remember that you left a single saltine cracker in your backpack.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

A large family of magpies — both parents and babies — will reside right outside your front door next spring. Though fun to watch the quirky fledgelings, the parents are extremely protective and you will soon go stir crazy after not being able to leave your house for a week.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will like the Facebook page “Birb memes” as a way to get short bursts of avian entertainment during class. However, this page will quickly take over your life and you will only be able to form sentences that contain the words “seed,” “bread” or “smol.”

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will be absolutely shocked and lose some innocence after listening closely to Katy Perry’s “Peacock” and discovering that it isn’t necessarily about the colourful bird.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

To escape the cold this winter, you will join your grandparents — proud members of the Canadian Snowbird Association — on a trip to Florida. As you sit on a chair on the pool deck of their senior-oriented vacation rental, sipping on some drink that tastes like a cross between dandelion and burdock and Tang®, you will immediately regret coming to this red state.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will take your younger sibling on a walk through the Inglewood bird sanctuary. Just as you remember it from field trips in elementary school, the only birds you will see will be sparrows, chickadees and magpies. Thrilling.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

This Christmas season, your face will be plastered on “Wanted” posters across all of the bird media. Since you decided to cook turducken, you basically murdered three birds to satisfy your insatiable gluttony.