This fail-safe e-mail template is sure to get your prof to round up your mark

By Drew Thomas, January 10 2017 —

Let’s face it — 2016 was a rough year for a lot of us. For those who had lower than average grades this semester or simply are feeling the 2016 blues, the Gauntlet prepared an e-mail template that will persuade your professor to changes that 55 per cent into the A we all love and strive for.

“Dear [Dr./Mrs./Mr./Prof/leave blank if you can’t remember the aforementioned teacher’s gender or name — bonus points if you spell it wrong],

Thank you for a riveting semester of [insert name of course that you definitely only attended 30 per cent of the lectures of here]. In case you don’t remember me, I’m the student who was very attentive in class without asking any questions or participating in any significant way. The lecture provided me with endless hours of thought-provoking discussion, character development and all-around life changing retrospection on [insert selected topic or something close if you’ve already forgotten the class entirely].

However, I wanted to discuss my final grade of [insert shitty grade you received] in this course. I know you probably get this a lot, but I think I can give a few reasons to explain why I am rightfully entitled to and deserve an A in your class.

1. I know my final paper was written in crayon on construction paper. But if you look closely, you can tell that I was actually making a strong statement about the futility of youth. It’s a metaphor. That’s deep and deserves an A.

2. The Den came out with a new lager. That may sound like a bad reason, but that extra 50 cents saved means an extra drink every 10 drinks. If that doesn’t show I learned something, I don’t know what does.

3. This might be a reach but have you ever sat through one of your lectures? Sleep has never had a better companion. The added sleep has really benefited my overall health — I feel like this was a win-win.

4. Everyone blames their group in the end, but did you see the schmucks I was stuck with? I’m not saying the compulsive order-giver wasn’t an asset, but the person who always said that they “definitely got this,” “not to worry at all” and then just improvised the final presentation really brought the team down. I mean, I think so -— I missed presentation day.

5. I don’t want to blame this semester entirely on the death of Harambe, but I think we can all agree that 2016 has been a trying year for everyone. Harambe’s death alone might not qualify for an A, but pair that with all the other celebrity deaths, you can start to see the emotional toll this year has taken on me.

6. If that doesn’t work, Trump somehow won. A is for “asshole” so you can see where I’m going with this.

I hope these reasons help explain my performance in this class and maybe, just maybe, you can  see why I might deserve a higher grade. Please let me know if you find any fault in my reasoning but I think we can both agree this is an A-grade e-mail. Thank you for your time.

Academically yours,

[Insert your name here and attach an e-transfer of $50].”

This article is part of our humour section