By Jake Robinson, January 24 2017 —
The new semester brings a new chance to turn crippling loneliness into limping but manageable loneliness. Rookies in the friendship biz — real friend connoisseurs don’t have time to spell out business in full — might suggest being yourself or joining school associations, athletic teams or the Gauntlet to meet new people. However, those people couldn’t be more wrong. All you really need are these cool steps to be the coolest cat on cool-ampus.
Step one: Be proactive
The early bird gets the worm and the late bird gets to watch Grey’s Anatomy alone again this Friday night. Staking out your classes is an absolute must. By studying the room’s social architecture, you can be equipped with the knowledge and power to perfectly predict the complex maelstrom of interpersonal relations you’ll soon experience. If you think showing up to class 15 minutes before it starts is early, you couldn’t be more wrong. You shouldn’t just be bringing snacks for these stakeouts — 20 litres of water and a tent are a bare minimum. Spend as many nights in your classrooms beforehand as possible. As a bonus perk, the more nights you spend at school, the more custodial staff you’ll get to know. Share with them your interest in firearms, knot tying and mysterious janitor disappearances. They’ll be so flustered by your friendship, they’ll stop asking you to leave. This sets you up perfectly for …
Step two: Speak to every classmate
Descend from your hidden ceiling tent like a spider crawling down from its web directly into the throngs of your peers. Startled screams of joy are to be expected. Having study buddies to share notes with is imperative to success. Before you know it, you’ll be sharing your entire lives. Demand comprehensive lists of their interests while spewing your own at them. You have a lot of people to get through before the professor starts class, so make sure to talk excessively while they try to get a word in. Because as soon as you see the whites of the professor’s eyes, you’d better engage …
Step three: Befriend the prof
Shake your professor’s hand like you’re the San Andreas fault line and it’s San Francisco in 1906. You are Shake ‘n Bake and it’s time for dinner. This is just like how you would walk into any job interview, shake the CEO’s hand, look him right in eye and intimidate him into being your friend. The harder you shake, the harder your grade gets curved. If their shake ends up making you wince, you lose and have to accept a D. They may start yelling, telling you to stop. Do not let go of their hand. This is a test — a test you are acing! In fact, you may do so well that the professor simply has to introduce you to …
Step four: Befriend campus security
Campus security has now been called. This is your graduation day, Daniel-San. You are about to advance from the original Karate Kid to the Jayden Smith remake of Karate Kid. Getting tight with school security is the highest echelon of U of C friendship. The officers will demand you stand down. If you can snatch the taser from their hand, young grasshopper, you win all the friends. Forget your major, this is your graduation day. DO YOU FEEL THE FRIENDSHIP COURSING THROUGH YOU! TRUST ME, IT’S NOT ELECTRICITY FROM A TASER — IT’S THE NEW YEAR MAKING A NEW ME.
This article is part of our humour section.