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Courtesy Ms. Phoenix

How to navigate through a sex shop successfully

By Drew Thomas, January 31 2017 —

As Sex Week at the University of Calgary approaches, you might want to add some pizazz to your love life and try something new at your neighborhood sex shop. Losing your sex shop virginity can be understandably awkward and walking down an aisle filled with objects you feel shouldn’t go inside anyone can be quite the shock. Hopefully, these tips will help you break into the magical world of sex shops.

Don’t let them smell your fear:

Sex shops are like bears — they can smell your fear and will prey on the most fearful entrants. Upon entering, nod politely to the purveyor of the fine establishment and move towards the first recognizable gizmo you see. Take a calm breath because you’ll probably need a minute to let your eyes adjust to the standard dim lighting of these places. Take in the bouquet of smells that are currently assaulting your nose. Is that kiwi-raspberry flavoured lube? The bottle looks uncomfortably familiar, like you’ve seen it at your local ice cream parlour for a syrup you once put on your sundae.

Keep quiet:

As you walk up and down the aisles, try and refrain from making any verbal sounds of awe or “how would that fit on or around or in a body.” On that note, don’t approach the other patrons. This seems self-explanatory, but a lot of people don’t understand that like libraries, porn palaces are among the worst places to start a conversation. Any attempts to strike up a conversation with someone will result in the porn police dragging you out of store — and this time, it isn’t some sort of kink. That’s right. The porn police are real and they know your Internet browser history. Be very afraid.

Go nuts:

Now that the initial awkwardness of entering the sex shop is over, peruse the many sizes of phallus-shaped plastic and silicone love holes. Is that a dragon-themed dildo? You won’t be able to look at the Spyro games the same way ever again. Pass by the XXX DVD collection and wonder if you should mention to the owner of this establishment that the Internet exists. Trust me, they know — they just refuse to accept that the porn world is changing. You could try and engage them in conversation about the future of premium porn streaming on a site like Netflix — maybe “Netdix”?

Do not get lost in the maze:

While you’re enjoying your jaunt through the pornucopia of delights, make sure you don’t get lost — or worse, forget what you came here for. Was it giant purple anal beads? Because they’re in your hands now and you’re unsure when you picked them up. Maybe they will work as a cat toy? It’s too late to put a toy in your hand back on the shelf. As these thoughts cross your mind and you wander through the store, you are now wearing something called a “rubber fisting mitten” Maybe i’ts time to get out of here.

Exit with grace:

When you reach the cashier with all your goodies, make sure to stand as close to the person in front of you as possible. Don’t ask me why — apparently this is just the etiquette of porn shops. Extra points if you can breathe heavily while doing so. Wait, this isn’t a rule? Damn, I thought everybody did that. I might have some awkward apologies to make.

This article is part of our humour section.

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