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Justin Quaintance

Top 10 places to have sex on campus

By Lady Marmalade, January 31 2017 — 

We all know that school can be extremely stressful. However, there is a simple solution to alleviate all that stress — banging! No one has time to go home when they’re in the heat of the moment. For this reason, the Gauntlet’s resident sexpert Lady Marmalade compiled the 10 best places to bone on campus.

1. The MacHall Carl’s Jr.

Hey, they said it was going to get messy in here. Plus, they can probably use the sex you’re having as footage for their next commercial. After you get caught, the shame you feel will be the exact same feeling that you get after finishing a double star burger with fries and a strawberry milkshake.

2. The Q Centre:

Honestly, there are so many sources of contraception in this place, you could get it on for years before you run out of protection. Plus, when you get too tired, the big dildo on the wall can help provide inspiration.

3. The Atrium:

Get primal in the Atrium and free the beast inside of you. Climb a tree and blow someone. It’s so zen in here that I doubt anyone will notice that you decided to get your freak on in the campus jungle. Refer to the Bloodhound Gang’s lewd classic “The Bad Touch” and do it like they do on the Discovery channel.

4. Any bathroom with a door that locks:

This is a no-brainer. Once that door locks, you can get it on with whoever is willing without any disturbances. Make sure you check that the coast is clear before you both head out and you’ll get off scot-free.

5. The fifth floor of TFDL:

The book covers aren’t the only thing hard in here. If you can keep relatively quiet during love-making, this location is perfect for you. Seriously though — don’t say anything. You can even book a workroom to get more “work” done with a closed door. The windows are completely see-through, so be careful which direction you face.

6. The Olympic Oval:

Get your “O” at the oval! Are those students participating in an intricate figure skating routine? Are they helping each other learn to skate? Nope — they’re doing what most college students do when they finally catch up on their readings — having sex.

7. Your professor’s empty office during office hours:

Don’t worry about getting caught for this one. They never show up as it is. You’ll have at least an hour to get the job done while your professor spends way too long microwaving their leftovers in the department office, so take your time.

8. The CJSW office:

Nothing is better than making love to some sweet tunes. Plus, this office is so cool and filled with the most chill people on campus. Is that a record player? So hip.

9. The SU council chambers:

It’s getting steamy in here — and it’s not from all of the hot air spewing out of our student government. Does anything actually happen in this room when it isn’t a Tuesday night? No? Perfect. Have sex here.

10. The Engineering building:

Just kidding. Engineers don’t have sex. Nerds.

This article is part of our humour section

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