By Joie Atejira, February 7 2017 —
A Valentine’s gift — in this economy? Impossible. Resist this absurdly commercial and totally unnecessary holiday with some easy, personalized presents for that special someone. Thankfully, these are appropriate for the even the tightest of budgets.
A love letter:
Who even writes letters anymore? Defy the season of spending by also defying 21st-century communication. Pour your feelings onto paper — if you have any. Then, make use of your used chemistry textbook that no first-year student will buy because they’re too scared to use an old edition. Cut out paper hearts and letters to convey that your love for your bae is just an unfortunate combination of chemical reactions in your brain. Who says buying that book was pointless? This costs next to nothing, except for the $200 you spent on the textbook and will never get back.
A photo album:
This is a present that will last a lifetime. Spice it up by compiling nudes that nobody asked for. The greatest form of love is carnal love. Another tip: gather some props to create a photoshoot that competes with Beyoncé’s pregnancy announcement, making her the Walmart to your Chanel. The only cost of this is printing the photos — and your pride.
A copy of When Harry Met Sally:
Is it really Valentine’s Day without a romantic film? Impress your special someone with your love of everything vintage. Dig into your mother’s collection of VHS tapes, ignoring anything that looks suspiciously erotic, to find this romantic classic. Implicitly tell them that you are ready to be their long-time friend and only become their lover after years of friendship — actions speak louder than words.
A pet fish:
Show your undying commitment to your lover by purchasing them a fish. You and your partner will develop an extremely strong bond with the little beta, giving it shrimp cakes on its birthday, reading to it every night and taking it for walks in an airtight hamsterball. Oh no! You and your lover had a falling out, leaving your fish awkwardly in the middle of your dispute as you force him to take a side. Feeling like it was all his fault, your fish will run away to the streets during the night in a plastic bag — just like at the end of Finding Nemo — never to be seen again.
This gift will defy all capitalist notions of this wretched holiday. Remind your lover how special they are by giving them the old, worn cardboard box packed away in your storage room. Your cat has probably peed in it on more than one ocassion, but that just gives it character. Unlike your soul, don’t leave it completely empty. Leave a note inside that says, “I couldn’t afford a present this Valentine’s Day.” Honesty is key in every successful relationship.
This article is part of our humour section.