Five sweet dates with your Tinder bae

By Jesse Stilwell, March 28 2017 —

Navigating dating apps can be quite the adventure. One minute, you’re making clever small talk like “nm, hbu?” and the next, you’re planning your lengthy six-month relationship. Here are some excellent date ideas that will ensure you get laid and then fall in love for the next six months.

First date: Cowboys

This is the quintessential Calgary Tinder date spot. It takes a bit of preparation, though. You first must add at least 10 of your matches on Snapchat. Next, get yourself all dolled up or at least showered — it’s a dark bar, no one will see what you look like anyway. Then, post a cheeky selfie with the caption “C-boys tonight. *Purple devil emoji times four*” on your Snapchat story. This will ensure that at least five of your matches who view your story it will show up at the infamous mega-bar. Now, proceed to drink yourself silly. Mix liquors, down shooters — you know the drill. Flirt with all of your Tinder matches who show up. Ensure they see you flirting with all of them. End the night by getting them to fight for your lovin’. The winner of the fight is your true Cowboys love.

Second date: Petland for at least six hours

You and your date must arrive and casually admire the cute pets. Start cracking jokes with the staff to befriend them so they let you hold the cool animals like snakes. Continue this for as long as possible. Make your date jealous by giving all your love and attention to a cute doggo. When your date finally begs you to leave — or the store is closing — cry because your date won’t purchase your favourite animal from the day. Cry really, really hard. This will ensure they ask for a third date.

Third date: A long hike

This is a perfect way to force yourself to spend an entire day with a complete stranger. Pick a hike that is at least a two-hour drive away. Ask very personal questions for the entire drive — think medical history, sexual weaknesses and politics. This will make your date think you’re a fun, open-book type person. Once the hike is underway, fake an injury a little past halfway up and force your date to carry you up the mountain. If they say no or the date just isn’t going well, you can always just roll back down the mountain and hitchhike home. The people who pick you up will give you another date opportunity. Repeat the process until you reach success — sex on the side of the highway.

Fourth date: Family dinner

Do you have an annoying family member who is concerned that you’re going to die alone? All you have to do is invite a sexy Tinder fella or gal over on a Sunday evening. It’s really up to you whether you’re honest with them about what you’re dragging them to or if you just throw ‘em in with your family and see if they sink or swim. Everyone knows Tinder dates are relationship potential. If you want to lock that potential down you need to get your family involved as soon as possible. Make out with them messily in front of your grandma. No family member will ever doubt your playa status again.

Fifth date: Church

Finally, this is for the pure little souls out there who are seeking to cleanse their souls of Tinder sins. Tell your date you are taking them to brunch on Sunday then drag them to worship. They will see the light and subscribe to your religion for sure. Nothing says sexy like snacking on the body of Christ. They will delete Tinder and commit to you forever. I cannot see a single reason this plan could go wrong.

This article is part of our humour section.