Zipper-worshiping cult discovered on campus

By Frankie Hart, September 26 2017 —

Last Friday, a student who has been missing for several semesters was discovered bloodied and bruised under the Prairie Chicken. The student has requested their personal details be omitted and that they be referred to only as “Disciple Zippy.”

Zippy claims to have escaped from a group called “The Order of the Zipper.” They say that this group is a large community devoted to the worship of the Zipper sculpture in Science Theatres. The worship involved chants such as “Schulich time” and “we are, we are, we are the engineers,” a uniform that sported a striped scarf and stick-and-poke tattoos of the zipper on everyone’s left butt cheek. The cult appears to be loosely descended from Pythagoreanism and sacred geometry.

“In the Order, everyone has a role to play. Chemical, civil, electrical, energy, geomatics, waterboy, mechanical and manufacturing. Polishing of the Zipper, oil and gas, software — whatever the Zipper requires, it shall receive,” explained Zippy.

The connection between The Order of the Zipper and the legendary dismantling of the statue by engineering students is undeniable. Zippy suggested that the reason behind the dismantling may have been to serve the purpose the Order, not simply a prank.

“The Zipper provides an opening to the end. However, for this to be released, it needed to be relocated to Schulich for proper alignment,” they explained.

When asked what they meant by “the end,” Zippy replied that “a sacrifice must be made to give us the strength to be more successful by graduation than those who worship the false prophets of Haskayne.”

However, one daunting question remains — where are the other members of the Order? Zippy claimed that they are the only member to ever have escaped the “sacrament.” They refused to give any more details regarding the Order and hope their GPA will not suffer for having left it.

“I still have means of repaying my sins other than my grades,” they assured.

This article is part of our humour section.