2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Photo by Tanvi Sankar

Five very legit paper-writing tips

By Tina Shaygan, November 9 2017 —

To help you combat creeping paper deadlines, we compiled a list of the very best advice for writing an A+ scholarly masterpiece. Follow these simple steps to create your best academic work.


Come up with a very hot take:

Make sure to include the edgiest, hottest take you can muster. Your classmates have mediocre takes on boring issues. But you, an intellectual, will dazzle your professor with an offensive and bold take. Your professor, blown away after hearing your spicy opinion, will give you an A+ for your sheer bravery.


Never consult your professor or visit office hours:

Office hours are for suck-ups. Plus, your professor will appreciate an element of surprise in your paper. So make sure to stay away from their office hours and never consult them on possible topics. They’ll love that you came up with all of this entirely on your own.


Use every source cited at the bottom of a Wikipedia article:

Everyone knows Wikipedia is where it’s at. Your professors are fooling themselves saying you shouldn’t use the website — everyone does. Just scroll to the bottom of the page and cite every source there. No one will know and your professor will be impressed by your very thorough research.


Start the night before it’s due:

The key to a good paper is working under pressure. Grab some coffee, 22 energy drinks and bring blankets to the library. The faster your heart rate, the better your paper will be. Diamonds aren’t made under pressure — excellent papers are.


Dont’ eDit:

You want to make sure your true, authentic self shows in all your work. Editing takes that away. Hemingway said, “Write drunk, edit sober” — but as a student, you’re never sober. Your drunk-on-caffeine thoughts deserve to stand on their own. Let the brilliance flow!


This article is part of our humour section.

Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer | SU

The Gauntlet