Our horoscopes predict your New Year’s resolution

By Derek Baker, January 8 2017 —

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll purchase a gym membership that comes with a challenge to do 20 classes within the month. You’ll procrastinate all month but managed to complete the challenge, squeezing in 18 sessions on Jan. 31.   

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

This winter semester, you’ll promise yourself that you will actually use your textbooks. Though they will remain unopened, they will find good use as your television stand.

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You should ditch a few of your bad habits this year. Mainly, stop putting ranch dressing on everything you eat — especially ice cream. It’s messed up.

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

You’ll actually study this year. Surprisingly, your marks will increase. Who would have thought?

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

This semester, you vow to slow down on the drinking at Thursden. You will dutifully limit yourself to only three triple-vodka slime pitchers and a single shot of tequila for the night.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

After handing in two extremely rushed papers this semester that still included “(put citation here)” in the text, your New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating.   

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You will create a club called “People Who Want to be Involved on Campus this Semester.” Though  membership numbers are initially quite high, turnout will drop significantly come February.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Your resolution is to find alternatives to caffeine this semester. Try cocaine.

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Your New Year’s resolution is for your rap career to take off. You will be thrilled when your hot new track receives a whopping 47 listens on SoundCloud.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You will make a conscious effort to plug in your laptop every night so it doesn’t die the next day. You will fry your battery and lose all of your term papers.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’re one of those people who doesn’t take down their Christmas lights well into the new year. You will draw the ire of your entire neighbourhood, as they are tired of looking at the seven inflatable Minions on your lawn.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You don’t make New Year’s resolutions because you think you are perfect and don’t need to change.