Very real astrological predictions

By Matty Hume, February 28 2018 —

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Ahh, the fish month. You’ll be the first person on earth to actually buy a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald’s.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Ram rhymes with ham. Ham comes from pigs. I think you’re gonna get a pet pig this month.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Just like your sign, astrology is bull. But this sign starts on 4/20, so I see green in your future. Ayyyy.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’re going to run into your doppelganger this month. There can only be one. Don’t hesitate.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

I’m pretty sure you’re going to try and bring back the “this post gave me cancer” meme. Rethink this one, pal.  

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

I’m no Leo, but I’d be lion if I said I knew what the hell you’ll be up to this month. You figure it out.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Virgo is ‘The Maiden.’ Do you like Iron Maiden? You do now. Run to Hot Topic and scoop up a T-shirt.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your sign is a dumb scale. You don’t even get a cool animal. Anyway, you’ll stub your toe soon. Sorry.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’re going to get way too into the 2002 action flick The Scorpion King, starring The Rock. Boooo.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’ll try archery tag and absolutely kick ass. You’ll let one kid escape to spread word of your legendary skill.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

This sign is actually a fish-goat hybrid. You’re a mergoat! That’s freaky. Skip the pool this month.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’re the water sign. You’ll be the person who reminds everyone to stay hydrated at the kegger.