2022 SU General Election Full Supplement

Where do bugs go in the winter?

By Matty Hume, November 27 2018 —

When the days grow shorter and winds grow chillier, Canadians find winter solace in a single seasonal advantage: no more bugs. But where do all the creepy-crawlies go during the frosty months? Tibby Sardaing, head of the department of zoology at the University of Calgary, has all the answers.

“There’s literally no way to tell,” she said.

According to Sardaing, the zoology department currently has three separate teams of researchers working day and night to shed light on this burning question. One of the teams, led by associate professor Cindy Pede, has been researching actively for nearly 16 years.

“For a while, we assumed they all burrow underground for the winter,” Pede said. “But after a few tests, we realized an annually populated subterranean Bug City would be an infrastructural nightmare.”

“Building the mock Bug City cost the university millions,” added Sardaing. “We nearly lost funding, but thankfully our other teams are making good progress.”

One such research group includes masters of science student Oshid Itzawasp, who said he’s confident results are on the horizon.

“We’re making a lot of headway with the ‘Last Starfighter’ theory,” Itzawasp said. “Basically, the hypothesis is that each insect and arachnid north of the 49th Parallel gets called into space each winter to fight teeny bug-sized starship battles and save an alien race. It’s the most probable answer.

“It’s the only thing that makes sense if you really think about it,” he added.

Despite the department’s essential work, the Gauntlet hit the streets to get answers straight from the source.

“We have a timeshare in Phoenix,” said an actual mosquito. “Do you know my grandson? Tell him to call more often.”

This article is part of our humour section.

Tagged: , ,

Hiring | Staff | Advertising | Contact | PDF version | Archive | Volunteer | SU

The Gauntlet