By Calum Robertson, January 18 2019 —
Now that Elizabeth Cannon has left behind her storied career as president of the University of Calgary, whatever shall she do to occupy her time? Here are our five best guesses:
1. Haunt Craigie Hall:
It’s well-known that Craigie Hall is a decaying, monolithic eye-sore. The majority of students forced to lurk its many corridors already think it’s haunted, so it makes sense that Cannon might ‘retire’ here to continue her work of driving the Languages department into the ground. Perhaps she’ll feel at home among the other many relics? Who among us can truly fathom the mind of such a spectre?
Hear that wailing in the pipes? Those are her songs of joy, celebrating the pure glee all ghouls feel whilst haunting aged remnants of better days.
2. Fanatically grow radishes:
During her time as president, Cannon worked to foster the growth of the young minds that attend this institution of academia. Perhaps, upon finding her life void of growth, she may turn from the young, fertile minds of students to a much easier-to-manage crop — radishes! Radishes lack the brains necessary to give criticism. Those root vegetables grow like crazy, so one can only imagine the yield of the unbridled passion with which she dedicated her life to deepening the intellects of students, but applied to a crunchy salad vegetable. Let’s be real — Cannon would dominate any farmers’ market.
3. Open a small glass-works company:
Cannon is infamous for her love of glass, especially the climbable variety. Perhaps she might take her experience with the transparent substance, couple it with a few third-years from the Hunter Hub and create a local start-up glass-works company: “Cannon’s Organic Glaziers” — student-operated, student-funded.
Who knows, perhaps Ed McCauley will hire her to help design his office.
4. Become The Den’s live-in bard:
What’s the best part of any night out at the bar? Definitely the story-telling drunk in the corner. Imagine if that aforementioned fellow customer were to regale you with relatable tales of what this village of 30,000 used to be like! High on nostalgia and full of many a previously well-kept secret, Cannon is sure to be a hit at every Thursden. Eager first-years would flock to her to hear about how incredible the ‘good ol’ days’ really were — the days before they had ever set foot on campus, mere months ago.
5. Vanish from reality:
When people stopped believing in fairies, Tinkerbell died. That’s the cold, harsh reality of modern society. What if Cannon was really some sort of fairy-tale entity, likewise surviving on the faith of others? Was she ever real? The feats she accomplished certainly were of mythical proportions — how can we, as students, be sure she was of mortal flesh and blood? If Cannon is never seen or heard from again, then we can conclude that once we, the students, stopped believing in her, she left this plane of reality and faded away from our world of today.
Or maybe she just took her Enbridge money and bought a cute beach house in Hawaii.