Our horoscopes know your back-to-school outfit

By Frankie Hart, September 13 2019 —

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Not one to shy away from an opportunity to make an impression, you’ll show up dressed exactly identical to your professor. Weeks of preparation and internet sleuthing have led to this moment. Such dedication will not go unnoticed.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

After noticing different retro trends coming back in style, you’ll decide to stay ahead of the curve and show up to class in peak 2000s fashion. Although you’ll have to endure some snarky remarks about your ultra low-rise jeans, you’ll be the one laughing when it comes back into vogue.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’ll show up dressed with your heart on your sleeve. Oh god.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

As a method of goal-setting, you will buy a bunch of UCalgary merch from the U of C Bookstore with your major on it. This commits you to your degree, and wearing these clothes will remind you of what you’re working for. Or it’ll be a huge dent in your wallet that you’ll regret after you end up dropping out. I guess that depends on how much you “manifest,” whatever that means.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You’re over being just another face in the crowd. You want to become a personality in your class. To help achieve this, you’ll head to one of the many now-open Halloween stores and buy yourself a clown costume. Maybe now you’ll finally be noticed.

Pisces

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’ll be wearing a t-shirt and jeans, but not in the way one would expect.

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

You’ll wear all galaxy print clothes in order to create an air of mystery about you. This will spark intrigue in your classmates and impress your professors.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You’ll show up to class dressed as a character from Fortnite. Why? Because the stars foretold.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You’ll plan ahead for your bad habits and come up with the ultimate slacker strategy. Decked head to toe in camouflage, your professor won’t even notice you’re there from the first day of classes, let alone notice your absence if you decided to simply sleep in that day. 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

In preparation for “cuffing season,” you’ll take inspiration from nature for mating strategies. Unfortunately, this will have the opposite effect, as neon everything is blinding and no one will even look in your direction anymore.

Leo

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You’ll be going for a hypebeast look this year. Your mom’s going to be pretty upset when she finds out you spent all your student loans on drip, though.

Virgo

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’re thinking of getting into hats. This can only end in your demise.