By Frankie Hart, October 28 2019 —
You’ve scoured the internet for hours, but nothing satiates your appetite. Last-minute Halloween costumes? Simple Halloween costumes? Halloween costumes you can make from your closet? Disgraceful. Where’s the skill, the craftsmanship? Has Buzzfeed no sense of panache? Fear not, my dear artiste, for you have come to the right place. Spend days labouring over one of these elaborate costumes, only for your friends to say, “Dude, it’s just a pub crawl,” or “Oh my god, I don’t think they’ll even let you into the club.” And isn’t that what the Halloween spirit is all about?
One of the cats from Cats (2019):
Nothing says dedication like spirit gum-ing fur all over a bodysuit. Nothing instills fear quite like a person in a fur-covered bodysuit.
Whatever those things were from Bird Box (2018):
Has everyone forgot about this movie? Yes. Was the hype and memes surrounding it on Twitter manufactured by Netflix? Perhaps. Would everyone be extremely impressed at your ability to find a way to turn the invisible entities into a costume? Most definitely.
The woman from The Swing:
Halloween is all about fantasy, many choosing their costumes as a means of escaping the prison of identity but for one night. Would you not want to escape the constant anxieties of life in the 21st century? Would you not want to set all those worries aside for a moment and gallivant about in Rococo reverie?
Of course you do. To resemble the woman on the swing, you must construct a ruffled, silky pastel pink dress, a matching pink shepherdess hat, pink heels and whatever you would call that fluffy thing around her neck.
But only fools would stop here. You couldn’t possibly dress up as a Rococo painting without being extra about it. Find a suitable spot in a local park and construct a rope swing — some costumes simply aren’t readable without props. Now, come Hallow’s Eve, you will be waiting for trick-or-treaters to near so that you may perfectly time your swing for them to first see you at just the right moment. They’ll all say, “Wow, just like the 18th-century oil painting by Jean-Honorè Fragonard!” Obviously, this means you won’t be able to make it to your friend’s Halloween party, but what would you rather have — a good time or appreciation for your craft?
For those of you in the market for a “sexy” costume that isn’t labelled in Spirit Halloween as “Sexy (Noun)” this is a great underrated option, seeing as how horny the internet was for Elastigirl/Mrs. Incredible in recent memory. But to really make your costume stand out, you can put in the extra effort of being actually stretchy. Have you heard of the rack?
Steampunk-gone-cyberpunk undead Alice in Wonderland from another universe where she’s a sexy evil fairy, a member of the Avengers and also part cat:
Actually, don’t do that.
Whoa there, partner! What are you doing with all that face paint? You need it to cover your… legs? You’re “enthusiastic” about costumes? That’s not what I was trying to go for by “detail-oriented.” Maybe you won’t listen to me, but surely you won’t just be able to get away with that.
This article is part of our humour section.