Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

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Horoscopes: Spring pie madness

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, May 21 2021—

Have you ever wondered what kind of weird pie you would be based on your sign? No? Oh well, here it is anyways. 

Disclaimer: a tasty flavour is NOT guaranteed.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

You are an alphabet soup pie. Being the chatty and social sign, with this pie you will have every word you’ve ever needed at the tip of your tongue — literally. 

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

You are an onion pie. Caution with the upcoming water works — but it’s nothing you aren’t already used to, especially when you’re known as the most emotional sign. Don’t forget to drink lots of water.

Leo (July 23 – August 21)

You are a pick-me pie. This pie has a shimmer to it which draws people in. Unfortunately for them, the shimmer is just gold glitter which they will never get rid of. This also means they’ll never forget about you. 

Virgo (August 22 – September 22)

You are a honeycomb pie. Ever the perfectionist, you’ll take it a step further and get a custom pie pan in the shape of a hexagon to match the honeycomb filling. Make sure you avoid attracting bees into the pie.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You are neapolitan ice cream pie. There are three flavors to satiate your indecisiveness, but the choice of which one to try first will take so long you will end up with a melted ice cream mess.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

You are a chocolate-strawberry-asparagus-wine pie. Loaded with aphrodisiacs, you will conquer the heart of anyone. Though, they might need a palate cleanser after that explosion of flavour.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

You are a poutine pie. This one is a hit or miss, but for the archer of the zodiac it hits the target. It is also arranged as a target for aiming purposes.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You are a deconstructed apple pie. Basically, the mise-en-place for a regular apple pie but you are practical. You can have each individual ingredient separately and there is less time wasted in preparation. It will all be mixed inside your stomach in the end anyway. 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

You are a clear peppermint pie. Like you, the flavour can only be appreciated on a higher level of consciousness. To experience the true flavour one has to reach deep enlightenment — the closest thing to which would be trying to talk to you. Alas, this means the physical body gets no enjoyment from the experience.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You are a psychic chicken pot pie. Unlike a regular chicken pot pie, this one can only be consumed with your mind and the flavours are nostalgic with warm memories. The stomach will envy the mind.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

You are a sushi pie. The crust is made of seaweed and the filling is a mixture of rice and fish. To give it the fire you hold in your heart, ginger and wasabi are added as toppings — more like drowned in ginger and wasabi to really give it that punch.

Taurus (April 21 – May 20)

You are a mud pie. Earthworms are added to give it some protein and there’s grass on top for garnish. As an earth sign and “the bull,” only you will be able to enjoy it to its fullest extent.

This article is part of our humour section.


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