Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

Illustration by Sylvia Lopez

Fantastically frightening fall horoscopes

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, October 8 2021—

As the leaves turn yellow and midterms start rolling in, what do the stars have to say for the signs?

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

With Mercury in retrograde, your life is full of imbalances. Check your bank account balance to make sure that one isn’t included.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 22)

The ever-changing weather doesn’t allow you to wear your new turtleneck collection. The probability of showing up to class with signs of sweat is enough to hold you back for now.

Sagittarius

(November 23 – December 21)

You will overwhelm yourself with making plans with friends and making time to do your assignments. Before you prioritize your friends, remember you’re paying thousands of dollars for your degree.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You think that campus life hasn’t gotten back to an exciting enough level, so you decide to plan morning runs where you encourage everyone to join you. The problem is that mornings for you start at 5:00 a.m. and most people will want to stay in bed instead.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 19)

Trying to avoid the coming stress, you will start your Halloween media marathon. You might not know the answers to all your quizzes but you would do great on a Halloween trivia night.

Pisces

(February 20 – March 20)

Your pumpkin spice latte and the prospect of going to a pumpkin patch are the only things holding you sane as you prepare for your midterms. Try to find a more permanent thing to latch on to before the season ends for both of those things.

Aries

(March 21 – April 20)

A potential opportunity will be presented to you. It can be for a job, a lover, a friend — or maybe a nemesis. The choice will be up to you which way it goes.

Taurus

(April 21 – May 20)

It’s already deep enough in the semester to start wearing sweatpants without fear of judgement. This wouldn’t normally faze you but being back out in society has changed your perspective.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 21)

For some reason, every single leaf you step on will not be crunchy and this will give you trust issues. You will pledge vengeance against trees.

Cancer

(June 22 – July 22)

Finding study spots for you has gotten harder and harder as the semester progresses. You try to come in earlier to campus but you will lose time pulling out your highlighters and sticky notes and organizing them by colour and size.

Leo

(July 23 – August 21)

You’re living for golden hour and since it is earlier now, you will have to move your plans around so you can get all the Insta-worthy photos you need.

Virgo

(August 22 – September 22)

You don’t fear the upcoming midterms since you have created a very comprehensive spreadsheet scheduling your everyday activities down to the minute. Professors will be impressed, but friends will be worried.

This article is part of our humour section.


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