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Horoscope: Which U of C catastrophe are each of the signs?

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, April 25 2022—

Over the years, there have been a few mishaps and incidents that have occurred across campus that have brought us together or tore us apart as a campus community. Here are some of those moments and why they relate to each sign. 


(March 21 – April 20):

Student official punching another student at Bermuda Shorts Day 2018. You are always one to fight for what you believe in, which may result in a scandal.


(April 21 – May 20):

The behemoth shit that was taken at University station a month ago. Have you ever cared what others think of you? Maybe, but that won’t stop you from doing what you have to do.


(May 21 – June 21):

Rumours on the old U of C Confessions Facebook page of Bake chef closing. You hate drama but love to see it unfold. Whoever wrote this anonymously years ago, they knew how to strike fear in the hearts of students.


(June 22 – July 22):

The water pipe bursting in Science B hallway in 2019. Cancer always gets a bad rep for being the crybaby, but when you’ve reached your limit, you just have to let it all out. Turns out the pipe’s limit was -40 degrees Celsius weather. 


(July 23 – August 21):

The dumpster fire in the Education building earlier this year. You’ve always loved to be the centre of attention and what better way than to start a dumpster fire on campus? 


(August 22 – September 22):

Engineer breaking his arm in the zipper. This tale is essential to understanding the university’s lore. Most faculties like to make fun of engineers for their many shortcomings and Virgo is no exception. Engineers and Virgos alike share in the euphoria of wanting to reach that peak, and one mistake feels like breaking an arm.


(September 23 – October 22):

U of A stealing the Rock outside of MacHall. This is another famous tale for all new U of C students. You know when you want to fit in so you do something dumb so others think you’re cool? Libras like getting approval from everyone and this feels like a dare you can’t back down from.


(October 23 – November 22):

Catching a couple having sex on campus. We know at least a handful of people run into some funny business every year. You are considered one of the most attractive signs due to your allure which may seem great but can also lead to uncomfortable situations. 


(November 23 – December 21):

Student bringing in a paper mache firearm in 2019. Sometimes you do stuff to feel alive. Bringing something that looks dangerous to get the thrill of everyone being scared of you, and then getting escorted off campus might do the trick.


(December 22 – January 20):

Unnecessary tuition hikes. Capricorn is an earth sign, which in tarot, relates to the pentacles suit in the minor arcana. Pentacles tend to signify wealth, but not always your own, just like the budget cuts to university funding. These tuition increases are a sign of losing wealth.


(January 21 – February 19):

Switching between in-person and online. You can be wishy-washy like the university’s administration and their decisions with our education in regards to COVID-19, so this fits you perfectly.


(February 20 – March 20):

Craigie basement flooding. There is something about hiding your emotions and letting things bottle up inside, just like the basement bathrooms flooding the majority of Craigie basement and stinking up the place in the Winter semester of 2019.

This article is part of our humour section.

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