Horoscopes: What your overpriced tumbler says about you

By Josie Simon, January 30 2024—

Your choice of tumbler is as distinct as your fingerprint, showcasing your individuality and personality. In our quest for deeper understanding, let us turn to the stars to unravel what your choice reveals about you. 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The Pioneer Woman in Folk Geo

You keep forgetting to trim your cat’s nails, causing them to become long and sharp. Invest in a scratching post and schedule regular nail trims to prevent unintended scratches or damage. Your cat will thank you for it!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Corkcicle in Cinderella

As a Disney enthusiast with mounting credit card debt, it is important to recognize the need to strike a balance between your online world and reality. Take a moment to step away from the screen, touch some grass, and reconnect with the tangible aspects of life. 

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Stanley Quencher H2.0 in Cream 

You are horrible with money and always impulsively splurge on unnecessary things. Your need for instant gratification often leads to regret later when you realize the state of your bank account. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Simple Modern in Midnight Black 

You think you’re cool and edgy, constantly trying to project an image of being unique and different. However, deep down, you know you are not as trendy as you may appear.  

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): YETI Rambler in Power Pink

Your insatiable desire for world domination manifests in your everyday life, often leaving others struggling to keep up with your ambitious plans and constantly evolving ideas. 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Hydro Flask All Around Tumbler in Indigo

You have a serious lying problem, and it is becoming noticeable to those around you. Your tendency to fabricate stories and embellish the truth creates a web of deception that can eventually catch up with you. 

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Reduce Cold1 in Papaya 

Your constant bragging about being a vegan has become insufferable for those around you. What’s worse is that you are a secret pepperoni eater when no one is looking, making you a complete hypocrite.  

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Klean Kanteen in Emerald Bay

You habitually neglect your family’s text messages, leaving them worried and wondering why you never respond. Show them you value their presence by prioritizing communication.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): RTIC in White

You have not attended a single lecture this semester, yet you will somehow find a way to blame the professor for your failing grade. It is time to take responsibility for your actions (or lack thereof) and put in the effort to succeed in your academics. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Ello Beacon in Georgia Peach

Your dreams of emulating Taylor Swift’s 2016 Grammys look may never be achieved due to your unruly cowlick. Despite the recurring cycle of cutting and growing out front bangs, finding the perfect hairstyle remains elusive. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Coleman Brew in Grey

While you may not admit it often, you are actually a really good singer. Your talent shines through, even if you tend to downplay it. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): BrüMate Rocks in Mauve Camo

Let’s face it, you smell. Your strong odour tends to linger wherever you go, and it’s time to invest in some deodorant and proper hygiene practices. 

This article is part of our humour section