The brutal truth: What your favourite Christmas cookie says about you
By Josie Simon, December 1 2024—
As the holiday season unfolds, our choice of Christmas cookies can say more about us than festive cheer alone. Brace yourself for an honest look at the hidden traits your favourite treat reveals — potentially more than you bargained for.
Sugar cookies: The unrelenting nostalgic
Loving sugar cookies suggests you’re stuck in childhood nostalgia, trying to escape adult challenges. Holding onto these memories won’t solve your problems. Nostalgia is comforting, but it won’t help you face reality.
Gingerbread cookies: The science rejecter
If you love gingerbread but skip flu shots, you’re not just faith-driven—you’re misguided. Your disdain for science isn’t just ignoring knowledge; it’s ignoring reality. Hiding behind scripture doesn’t make ignorance virtuous. It’s time to broaden your understanding and face the facts.
Snickerdoodles: The deodorant avoider
You love Snickerdoodles but skip deodorant, leaving a noticeable odour. This cookie can’t mask the social distance your smell creates. Start using deodorant—it’s not optional.
Spritz cookies: The chronic cheater
Spritz cookies match your knack for deception. Your cheating habits go beyond school, fooling even yourself. Add in your outdated use of “lit,” and it’s clear your authenticity is pretty questionable.
Thumbprint cookies: The wannabe visionary
You call yourself an “entrepreneur,” but your love for thumbprint cookies suggests you’re more a dreamer than an achiever. Elon Musk would sell you for a hot dog, so focus on real goals instead of fantasies.
Shortbread cookies: The oral hygiene offender
Your affinity for shortbread hints at a white-tongued secret you’ve been ignoring. If brushing your tongue isn’t on your list, what other basics are you neglecting? It’s time to address the obvious and take pride in your appearance.
Peppermint bark cookies: The boundary crosser
Peppermint bark fans love giving big hugs, but most people find them awkward and unwelcome. Try being more mindful—sometimes, a simple handshake is best.
Pfeffernusse cookies: The sentimental attention-seeker
Your love for pfeffernusse is tied to seeking attention since breaking your arm in 7th grade. Instead of revisiting past wounds for sympathy, focus on building real connections.
Chocolate crinkle cookies: The arrogant eye-candy
Your choice of chocolate crinkle cookies reflects your undeniable hotness, effortlessly drawing people in. While you naturally capture attention, your charisma and genuine warmth truly set you apart.
Linzer cookies: The screen-hypocrite
You brag about avoiding TV, yet you spend hours on TikTok. Genuine authenticity starts by acknowledging this contradiction.
White chocolate macadamia cookies: The politically clueless critic
You criticize the “elites” without knowing what that means, much like your misguided taste for white chocolate macadamia cookies. Your opinions are straight from social media echo chambers. Make sure you understand the causes before supporting them.
Italian pizzelle cookies: The perpetually embarrassed
If Italian pizzelle is your favourite, you’re likely haunted by awkward moments like calling a teacher “Mom.” Mistakes happen. Accept them and move on.
Consider this your seasonal intervention—a chance to confront the uncomfortable truths baked into your dessert preferences. Whether you’re eager for change or reluctant to face reality, your cookie choice speaks volumes.
This article is part of our fake news humour section.