Very serious horoscopes: love edition

By Dawn Muenchrath, February 12 2015 —

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

If the sorry state of your love life has left you feeling disheartened, consider taking a long walk this evening to do some serious reflection. When you look towards the heavens, you might just realize that, yes, your heart is indeed as black and empty as that great big sky.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

At first you were hurt when some smartass called you “50 Shades of Undateable,” but you’ve started to appreciate that the title has a certain ring to it. Maybe, down the road, you could even sell the movie rights.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Although you always liked Prince’s 1986 hit single, “Kiss,” what you didn’t know was that the original lyrics actually said, “there ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with . . . But I hate Aries,” with the latter part ultimately being edited out because it didn’t rhyme. Rest assured, Prince does not want your extra time or your kiss.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t be too quick to say yes to the next person who asks you out. If you would have let them finish, you would have realized they were a McDonald’s employee and they were actually asking you to leave because you haven’t moved in three hours and they were closing.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You feel like everything you ever believed about love and romance has been turned on its head since Leonardo Dicaprio started dating Rihanna. But don’t worry, as they say, your heart will go on.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’ve been listening to a lot of Adele lately because she reminds you of your own ill-fated relationship. The only difference is that instead of wanting to find someone like you, your ex explicitly expressed the desire to find, “someone who is totally not like you. Like, literally, someone who is the opposite of you in every way.”

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

You will find yourself a blubbering emotional wreck the next time you see that tank of lobsters at the grocery store. Rachel was Ross’s lobster, but who’s your lobster? Do you even have a lobster? Perhaps you’ve been watching too much Netflix.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Although you feel bad about your friend’s embarrassing breakdown in the grocery store, you can take comfort in the fact that unlike them, at least you’ve had one serious long-term relationship. With Vikram. What? Vikram is definitely a real name.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your 21st century feminist sensibilities will be justly outraged when your waitress refuses to allow you to “go dutch” on the dinner bill because, “you can’t go dutch if you are alone and there’s no one there to pay the other half.” I tell you, customer service these days.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’re taking some “me-time” right now, which is fantastic because you’re pretty awesome. You’re an independent, emotionally mature young adult, who’s witty and intelligent, with this whole cute-but-sexy vibe going on and . . . goddammit why don’t they like you?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

When you look into their deep, blue-green eyes you will know that they are the one. And by “the one,” of course, you mean the punk who mugged you last week. The police have pointed out that their confession was a dead give-away, but for you, it was always in the eyes.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Your friends might call you cynical and bitter, but hey, at least you’re doing better than whoever the hell wrote these horoscopes.