Fall into your future with these autumn horoscopes

By Beatrice Genilo, October 11 2016 — 

 

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Wondering if the yellow leaves are sweet, you will taste one off the ground. You determine that they taste like crisp potato chips.

 

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

A squirrel will come to you in the middle of the night asking to store his nuts in your home for the winter. It’s best if you let him.

 

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

After daylight savings makes you turn your clock back an hour, you will claim that time is only an illusion. You’ll never be late again.

 

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Pondering the meaning of fall, it will dawn on you that the season is named because leaves fall off trees. Does that mean spring should be called ‘grow?’

 

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You will come to a tough decision between maple syrup or pumpkin spice flavoured coffee. Perhaps you could take both, but you’d regret that in a few hours.

 

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20) 

The crunch of dry leaves under your feet will be so satisfying that it will distract you from realizing that you’re late for class.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

The migrating birds will actually be flying away from you this fall because you chase them too much in your spare time. You must be a real jerk -— what did the geese ever do to you?

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

As you eat your Thanksgiving dinner, you’ll wonder how people thought that stuffing food up a turkey’s rear end was a good idea for a meal.

 

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

You will feel the need to roll down the hill by the prairie chicken to maximize the crunch of leaves underneath your body. It’s weirdly therapeutic.

 

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

The power of autumn compels you to drink a pumpkin spice latte! Relish it! Embrace it! Savour it!

 

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

When you observe the seemingly random falling leaves from the trees, you will have an existential crisis. Aren’t we all just leaves, trying to find our place in life?

 

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Once you rake all the fallen leaves into a pile, the leaves will come to life and demand that you do not destroy their home. Do not jump into the pile.