By Derek Baker, November 1 2016 —
It’s that time of year again — the temperature is dropping outside and the University of Calgary is cranking up the heat indoors. Dressing for the discrepancy in temperature between the frigid Calgary air and sweltering lecture theatres is impossible, making you feel like you’re trapped in the Sahara Desert when you’re in class. Here are five tips for when it feels like your lecture theatre is a sauna.
Open a window:
If there are no windows, grab some dynamite or a sledge hammer and make a hole in the wall. If your class is in the middle of a building, tunnel upwards through however many floors are above you and make your very own skylight. The shabby construction effort might compromise the building’s structural integrity, but some of these lecture theatres are long overdue for renovations anyway.
We are such a poorly designed species. What other animal needs to wear something external to protect itself from the elements? When you get into your class, immediately tear away the 30 layers of coats, fleece, shirts and undershirts used to protect your body from Calgary’s -40 C landscape and strut confidently to your seat. If someone tries to charge you for indecent exposure, remind them that it’s 2016 and clothes are essentially a social construct.
Buy a slushie:
The slushies available at Stör are cheap and tasty. But rather than simply purchasing one to drink during your professor’s ramblings, buy enough to fill the inflatable swimming pool that you conveniently keep in your backpack for such emergencies. When you walk into a theatre that is just too hot, set up your slushie pool in the front row. Bask in your sticky, icy glory while your classmates stare at your creation with jealousy — or concen.
It’s all mind-over-matter. Picture yourself stuck on an iceberg in the middle of the Arctic Ocean. Better yet, picture yourself as the actual iceberg. As you visualize what it feels like to be an inanimate chunk of frozen water, the thoughts will cool your soul. Wait, what’s that on the horizon? As you’re bobbing along, you hear someone yell “Iceberg right ahead!” Helplessly, your inanimate iceberg-self floats motionlessly as the Titanic barrels right into you. Great, you just killed thousands of people.
Sit next to me:
Let’s be real. If you sit next to me, you might be able to feel the frosty aura radiating from my cold, soulless heart. It will cool down anyone within a seven metre radius of where I’m sitting.You’re welcome.
This article is part of our humour section.