Will 2017 be as crappy as 2016 was? The stars know!

By Derek Baker, January 10 2017 —

 

Capricorn 

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Deciding to eat healthier this year, you will find a way to incorporate kale into every meal. Unfortunately, kale is the most garbage-tasting edible leaf and your taste buds will no longer work properly after a week and a half of your new diet.

Aquarius 

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) 

As a nod to your junior high days, you will attempt to be “scene” in 2017. You will tease the shit out of your hair dyed multiple bright colours, put on enough eyeliner to be mistaken as a raccoon and don your favourite old t-shirt that says “rawr means I love you in dinosaur.” Don’t listen to anyone — this is a good look.

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will take the saying “new year, new me” a bit too literally. After completely changing your identity, you will try to enjoy your new life as a tax broker in suburban Idaho. Though your new family is very nice, you will constantly feel empty inside.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

After consistently forgetting to wear mittens on frigid days and almost freezing your fingers off, you will invest in a fancy pair of woollen gloves. However, it will be very awkward when you run into the same sheep whose wool made your gloves at a petting zoo one day.

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

After Kylie Jenner correctly predicted that the year 2016 would be “the year of just realizing stuff,” you will devoutly follow all of her social media platforms so you will be the first to know what her prophecy for 2017 is.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

Vowing to eat healthier this year, you will cut back on your usual McDonald’s order of a Big Mac, large fries, 10-piece chicken nuggets, an apple pie and a large coke to a Big Mac, large fries, 10-piece chicken nuggets, an apple pie and a small coke.

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

This year, you will try to be more social. You will meet three new friends who say they like your bracelet but actually hate it, come up with a plan to impose yourself as the friend group’s leader and cause the school to turn to anarchic chaos. Also, one of these friends will get hit by a bus, but it’s okay, because you’re prom queen now.

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

Attempting to be the perfect student this semester, you will strive for a 4.0 average, get involved in 30 extracurricular activities and maintain a functional social life and part-time job. You will not see your bed for 365 days, but that’s okay.

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You will attempt to bring a packed lunch to school more often this year in attempt to cut back on spending money. However, you will accidently forget to empty the used Tupperware out of your backpack every night. It will turn into a registered biohazard zone.

Libra

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Trying to eat healthier, you will go on a juice cleanse. Throwing a bunch of “superfoods” into a blender, you will concoct a juice so powerful that it will make you fly. You will then fly into an electrical wire and vaporize.

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You will decide to learn  to play an instrument this year. Your neighbours will love you playing the bagpipes at 2:00 a.m. so much that they will pound on the walls to the beat of the song.

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You will make a more conscious effort to recycle and compost this year. Unfortunately, you will fall into the recycling bin and then transform into a polyester jacket.