Next year’s SU positions to be literal salt shakers

By Derek Baker, April 4 2017 —

As the Winter 2017 semester comes to a close, so too do the terms of this year’s University of Calgary Students’ Union elected officials.

However, in an effort to continue the spirit of the 74th SLC, the SU has approved a motion to replace each position with literal salt shakers next year. The move was made to continue the salty debates of this year’s council meetings.

“Gallery attendance during SLC was huge this year — sometimes, a whopping nine students attended,” outgoing SU president Stephan Guscott said. “We wanted to ensure SLC’s entertainment value carries over.”

The newly appointed salt shaker positions include a sel gris arts representative, an extra-spicy seasoning salt vice-president academic and a pH-neutral brand of salt from Switzerland as vice-president student life.

Though the hyper-engaged were quick to condemn the appointments, most incoming members of the 75th SLC remain positive.

“I think that we’re going to do some great work next year,” incoming vice-president operations and finance Sanders Saline said. “I have some great ideas that I plan to implement next year and —”

“[COUGH COUGH COUGH]” Faculty of Arts representative-elect Betty Brine interjected passive-aggressively. “[COUGH COUGH]”

Brine, with no apparent signs of illness, took a loud sip of water and apologized.

Changes to next year’s SLC will also include installing cameras around council chambers so EOs can stare off into the distance like they’re in The Office, projecting Facebook on the screen so everyone can scroll through their newsfeeds and scrapping the “EO of the Month” award and replacing it with the Saltiest Salt of the Month award.

“To be Saltiest Salt of the Month, your salt needs to be so salty that if a snail were to come within a five-metre radius of you, it would vapourize,” Saline said.

Other proposed changes include relocating council chambers to the Dead Sea, though this motion is still being considered as a discussion item.

This article is part of our humour section.