Your horoscope will determine why you’re going to cry next

By Tanvi Sankar and Grace Stone, October 18 2017 —

 

Libra 

(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You’ll get no sleep the night before an 8 a.m. lecture and the line for Tim Hortons will be larger than the bags under your eyes.

 

Scorpio 

(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You pulled an all-nighter studying, doing shots of 5-Hour Energy and cramming flashcards into your memory. However, your midterm was actually yesterday and you missed it. Nice job.

 

Sagittarius 

(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

After being forced to change your myUCalgary password because it expired, you’ll immediately forget it. You won’t be able to log-in to the school’s WiFi for the entire semester.

 

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Someone reminding you that Shrek 5 doesn’t come out until 2019 will be the final straw. You’ll burst out into tears in the middle of your lecture.

 

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

You spent six hours on a biology lab and forgot to save the document. When your laptop runs out of power, you’ll set the whole thing on fire.

 

Pisces 

(Feb. 19 – March 20)

You will unironically listen to Jake Paul. Nice try, but we all know that Canada is your city.

 

Aries 

(March 21 – April 19)

Your VPN changer will stop working, so you’ll be stuck watching Canadian Netflix instead of the far-superior American selections.

 

Taurus 

(April 20 – May 20)

You’ll come to the realization that somebody actually gave birth to that guy who jumped up on a McDonald’s countertop and shouted, “I’m Pickle Rick!”

 

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 20)

While watching hockey at home, the satellite signal will conk out just as the game goes into a shootout. Fuck you, Shaw.

 

Cancer 

(June 21 – July 22)

You will find out the person you’ve been hitting up on Tinder is actually your TA.

 

Leo 

(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You failed the one midterm you actually studied for. You’ll end up lying on the floor contemplating your existence. It’s okay buddy — we’ve all been there.

 

Virgo 

(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’ll find out your crush uses Sensodyne instead of Colgate. You don’t need that shit in your life. Drop them.