By Frankie Hart, December 6 2019 —
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
After failing to reach your 2019 goal of becoming TikTok famous, you will resolve to make more reasonable resolutions.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’ll resolve that the year 2020 is all about securing that bag, aha.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ll resolve to start meditating regularly in the new year, but will drop it once you realize that meditation isn’t supposed to mean taking six-hour naps.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your main goal for next year is to cut unnecessary spending. To fulfil this resolution, you’ll stop eating at MacHall to add to your Fortnite microtransaction budget.
(March 21 – April 19)
You will resolve to “glow up” in 2020 — and then immediately give up after finding out just how expensive a 10-step Korean skincare routine is.
(April 20 – May 20)
Next year, you’ll resolve to exorcise more. That is not a typo.
(May 21 – June 20)
You should resolve to clean your AirPods. That’s not from the stars, that’s from me. Nasty.
(June 21 – July 22)
You’ll commit to learning how to “woah,” much later than is sensible.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Next year, you want to get a new hobby. Vlogging is probably not what your friends and family had in mind.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You’ll resolve to quit juuling. Not because of the vaping-related deaths, but because you’re not into the vanilla flavour anymore.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You want to be more spontaneous! Do you know what would be really spontaneous? Venmoing a Sagittarius $100.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll resolve to develop a healthy sleeping pattern by dropping out of school. it’s just that easy!