By Frankie Hart, January 22 2020 —
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You’ll be perturbed when checking Co–Star to see that its message is simply, “Where are you?” Oh god, you knew it. You’re living in a simulation.
(Feb. 19 – March 20)
You’ll open up Co–Star hoping to get wisdom on your love life only to see the message, “Behind you.” Well, that’s not exactly the advice you expected to get on your communication issues, but maybe it’s just a sign that you need to find your own path.
(March 21 – April 19)
In the middle of class, you’ll receive a daunting notification — “Your hubris will be your downfall.” Weird. You thought your phone was on do not disturb.
(April 20 – May 20)
You’ll be very confused by your app’s latest message, “Show feet.” You’ll figure it’s one of those things that won’t make sense until it does, and keep your feet at the ready.
(May 21 – June 20)
Your app will have a very short message for you — “Beware the Ides of March.” Huh. That sounds like some Shakespearen thing, but you only remember Romeo and Juliet from grade 10.
(June 21 – July 22)
You’ll be alarmed to see the message “I know what you did last summer!” on Co–Star. Oh no, that was supposed to stay between you and @uofconfessions.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Co–Star will offer you some odd wisdom, “Don’t dye your hair that colour.” Touché, Co–Star.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You’ll be confused by the message Co–Star has for you. It just says, “Dump him.” This must be a glitch, probably meant for a different sign. Your man’s great, once you get to know him.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
The specificity of the message your app has for you will be concerning, “Do not eat a bowl of Kraft Dinner on January 30.” If this horoscope is truly tailored to you, surely they know that you hate being told what to do. You will be chowing down on that KD.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You’ll be confronted with a disturbing notification from Co–Star, “People are like trees. Without nourishment, they die.” “What is this supposed to mean, Co–Star?” you’ll ask, to nobody. “Am I going to die?” The indifferent silence will be deafening.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Your app will get straight to the point, stating, “You will literally get physically harmed very badly today.” Hmm. Maybe you shouldn’t have opened the app while crossing the road.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Your Co–Star will simply say, “Duck.” Hopefully you’ll see it in time.