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Illustration by Mariah Wilson

Will you find love this Valentine’s Day?

By Frankie Hart, February 13 2020 —


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

In preparation for your date, you’ll practice your little surprise strip-tease dance only to accidentally slip and knock yourself unconscious. 


(Feb. 19 – March 20)

In lieu of a real date, you’ll prepare a nice meal to eat while watching a mukbang video on YouTube. It’s not the same, but it’ll do.


(March 21 – April 19)

You’ll trip and drop your books, and a hand will reach out to help you pick them back up. Hands will touch, sparks will fly… you’ll never be able to look at your professor the same way again.


(April 20 – May 20)

In a last-ditch effort, you’ll go to Thursden on Valentine’s Eve searching for love. You won’t find it, obviously.


(May 21 – June 20)

You’re spending Valentine’s Day with your partner of several years? Lame. No one asked.


(June 21 – July 22)

Some have accidentally called their dates by their ex’s name, but you accidentally called your date “mom.” There’s no recovering from that.


(July 23 – Aug. 22)

You’ll see a couple making out a little too passionately on the bus, and gag a little. It’ll make you feel a little better about being single.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

You’ll decide to finally make a move and ask your crush out, but accidentally fumble so bad that you invite them to help you assemble IKEA furniture that you didn’t buy. If you’re quick, you might be able to buy a LIATORP in time.


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your partner will propose — or will appear to — but will reveal that it was simply a “prank” for their “moderately successful” TikTok account.


(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You’ll get sick right before Valentine’s Day and ask your date to reschedule, only for them to ghost you and write a diss track about you called “V-Day Bluez.”


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

You’ll decide to take a sad nap, which inevitably reaches the end of Reading Week.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You’ll spend the entirety of your Valentine’s Day uncomfortably being served by the waiter who happens to be your ex.

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