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Horoscopes: How the signs prepare for finals

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, December 18 2020 —


November 23 – December 21

Thinking ahead, you colour code and organize all of your notes by date and importance for your upcoming finals. By the time you’re done, there is only one day left to study.


December 22 – January 20

The craziness of 2020 finally gets to you and the missing monolith found in the middle of Utah is in your backyard. It begins to whisper suggested edits for your papers to you, but it only knows how to cite in Chicago style. You do not use Chicago style for any of your papers.


January 21 – February 19

You text your local psychic for help on how to prepare for your finals. They consult their Tarot deck and reply with the Tower and nothing else. I see a bumpy ride ahead of you.


February 20 – March 20

The stress of finishing up the semester right is getting to you when, during one of your last Zoom classes, a peer declares their love to you in a private Zoom chat. Your heart takes over and now your mind must work twice as hard. Who knew love would be such an inconvenience? 


March 21 – April 20)

Instead of finals, you have group final projects for each of your courses, and you’ve left everything until the last minute.To succeed, you must weed out the weakest link for all five of your projects before it’s 11:50 p.m. on Dec. 9. May your grades survive. 


April 21 – May 20

For one of your courses, you have a final project to complete which involves creating a study guide for the course. You mistake this as a chance to show off your scrapbooking skills and work tirelessly on it. You scan it and send it to your professor who loves it enough to show it off to the rest of the class next session. Sadly, it does not follow the rubric so you lose marks. Maybe next time read the instructions.


May 21 – June 21

Due to the recent COVID-19 restrictions, your friends begin to cancel socially-distanced gatherings to mirror the changes. This is a sign for you to focus more on school than meetups.


June 22 – July 22

The stars hold no ill will for you in preparations for your finals. Take time to be grateful that you are not any of the other signs during this time.


August 23 – September 21

You’ve fallen behind in your beginner language class. To prepare, you download Duolingo. The little green owl will help you, but the urge to learn Klingon wins and you devote all your focus to mastering it. The owl is not happy with you for forgetting your first option and will let you know with consistent passive aggressive push notifications.


August 22 – September 22

While juggling school work, clubs, family, work and friends, you now have studying to do. Trying to find a moment to rest, you decide to take a nap on top of your notes and hope that the knowledge will travel to your brain through osmosis. Work smarter not harder is your mantra.


September 23 – October 22

Being swamped with assignments and final projects that are still coming, you decide to postpone your studying until after you’re done lectures. This self-imposed vacation will extend to the last possible second where you will try to cram a semester’s worth of lecture material.


October 23 – November 22

You are thriving since you know working under pressure suits you, but knowing the holiday season is upon you has a certain effect on you. The magical spell of winter veers your attention to cheesy Hallmark movies breaking your studying streak.

This article is part of our humour section.

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