Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

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Cooking Disasters By Lauren: Grey Pork

By Lauren Peebles, February 15 2021—

As COVID-19 cases reach record highs in Alberta, I don’t imagine I will be traipsing my way to the west coast anytime soon. I think this also means that I won’t get to see my family for the foreseeable future. One of the things that makes me miss home is my mom’s cooking. While my mother is an excellent cook, I absolutely loathed one dish that she made while I was growing up: Grey Pork. I cannot impress upon the cooking community how much I disliked this dish at the time. However, I now find myself reminiscing about it. As a result, I shall attempt to make Grey Pork. If you are extremely adverse to mushrooms, turn back now.

The good news is that Grey Pork is incredibly easy to make. Unfortunately, this recipe will very likely yield grey-looking pork. If you are averse to eating grey foods, turn back now.

Here are a few things you need:

  • 1 tsp of canola oil
  • 1 small onion, diced or chopped (I am not really sure of the difference)
  • 4 cloves garlic, minced (again, I have no idea what that means)
  • 1 250mL can of mushroom soup  
  • ½ cup of water
  • 10 sliced mushrooms
  • 2 Pork Chops
  • 2 heads of Broccoli
  • 1/2 cup of Brown Rice

Pork Chops

1. Heat a large pan on the stove. If you do not have a pan, use a pot. If you do not have a pot or pan, you really need to update your cookware.

2. Once pan is hot, add 1 tsp of canola oil. Here is a completely ambiguous tip: if you think the pan is hot, wait 20 more seconds. I swear I always think the pan is hot and it never is. A more practical tip is to add a tiny bit of water to the pan. If it beads, then it is hot!

3. Next add the  onions and garlic. Because the pan is hot, save your eyebrows and don’t lean over the element.

4. While your onions and garlic are doing something in the pan, put your pork chops in the pan as well. I am not sure how long to let the garlic and onions do their thing before adding the pork. In this time of uncertainty, I am deferring to a high quality chef who is an expert on cooking onions. Kevin Malone from The Office says that “the trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.”

5. Allow those pork chops to get to know everyone in the pot or pan. Three minutes on each side should hopefully be enough.

6. Get that can of mushroom soup and open it. It should look sufficiently grey. If you are careful, you can even smell the grey.

7. Mix the soup with a ½ cup of water and pour over the pork chops. Add the mushrooms.

8. Turn down the heat to medium-low and simmer for about 10 minutes. If you have grey-looking pork, you are on the right track.

9. After 10 min, or whenever you remembered you were cooking something, check the middle of the pork chops and ensure they are not pink. We’re looking for a rhino grey.

10.  Find your favourite plate to serve the pork chops on. If you don’t have any favourites, choose a clean one. If you don’t have a clean one, do some dishes so you can eat this grey pork!

Broccoli

1. Heat a pot of water on the stove while you are simmering the pork. If you only have one pot and you used it for pork chops, I recommend steaming the broccoli in a glass dish in the microwave. If you don’t have a glass dish, allow five seconds of panic and then ask to borrow a roommate’s dish.

2. When the water is boiling, add broccoli.

3. Boil for three min, strain the water, put it in your favourite serving dish and then ask yourself why you made broccoli when it is one of your least favourite vegetables. Maybe peas next time? Or yams?

Rice

1. Get that ½ cup of dry rice and add 1 cup of water to it in a pot.

2. Add salt and a small amount of oil.

3. I recommend following the directions on the package of rice in front of you. Something tells me it is going to be much better than anything I could come up with.

4. Once it is ready, put your rice in your favourite serving bowl. I am acutely aware that most student’s favourite serving bowl is the clean one. If that is the case, pick the clean one.

When you are done you should have:

–   Grey pork.

This recipe also requires that you call your mum, dad, relative or adult in your life. They miss you and want to hear your voice.

Until next the next cooking disaster,

Lauren


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