Opinions & Features Workshop (Oct 26th)

Illustration by Sylvia

Horoscopes: Useless tips for the end of the semester

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, November 29 2021—

After reading these tips, you will have more stress than you did before reading them. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Sagittarius 

(November 23 – December 21):

Join a bunch of study groups and bail on them at the last minute.

Capricorn 

(December 22 – January 20:

Invest your time on some true-crime podcasts instead of your recorded lectures.

Aquarius 

(January 21 – February 19):

Manifest a good grade instead of spending time studying.

Pisces 

(February 20 – March 20):

You haven’t had a good breakdown in a while — you should schedule it during your exam and maybe you’ll have a breakthrough.

Aries 

(March 21 – April 20):

Power pose just before you take an exam to increase confidence and improve your chances.

Taurus 

(April 21 – May 20):

Take a 12-hour break just before your exam to binge-watch that new show your friends have been talking about.

Gemini 

(May 21 – June 21):

Send memes and Twitter rants to your friends instead of focusing on the paper you have to hand in. Make sure to look for obscure memes on the Internet.

Cancer 

(June 22 – July 22):

Lose track of time by playing a new game that was conveniently released the same time as when your assignments are due.

Leo 

(July 23 – August 21):

Go to office hours with your professors and TAs to talk about how well you’re doing, but don’t give them a chance to talk and tell you where you need improvement.

Virgo 

(August 22 – September 22):

Lose your bullet journal with your study schedule and just study when it feels right.

Libra 

(September 23 – October 22):

Rearrange your room until it meets the impossible ideal image you have in your mind, regardless of how long it takes.

Scorpio 

(October 23 – November 22):

Obsess over the outfit you’re gonna wear to your exam instead of obsessing over what your professor tells you to study for.

This article is part of our humour section.


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