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Horoscope: What the signs can’t let go

By Ramiro Bustamante Torres, January 19 2022

New year, new me. While many people have made their resolutions for what they want this new year, what are they not willing to let go of?


(December 22–January 19):

During the break you spilled your guts about something that happened and now you can’t look at your friends the same way since they saw you be vulnerable. While they’re trying to make plans to hang out, you are figuring out a way to reconstruct your business facade.  


(January 20–February 18):

You can’t let go of the argument with your friend about your differing artistic views after an art gallery visit. For the next PowerPoint night with them, you will pull up an almost 30-minute lecture on contemporary art and the different styles developed leading up to that period.


(February 19–March 20):

While going through old photos of yourself as you reminisce about your youth, you are reminded that nobody appreciated you for your unique style back then. A grudge with a friend or sibling resurfaces after they bring back the silly nickname they had for you which reminded you why you don’t go through old photos anymore.


(March 21–April 19):

For every argument you have lost, you find that there are some things that you still wish to add just to prove your point. You try to recreate the arguments with the people you had fought with so you can win the arguments.


(April 20–May 20):

People tend to say you have unpopular opinions about places and others but no one is complaining when they find out you’re right about stuff. You have your reviews saved in a notes app ready to send whenever someone has the wrong opinion.


(May 21–June 20):

You are somewhat of a hoarder. Sometimes it is a specific type of thing you collect or maybe the memories associated with them are what you wish to collect. Either way, it’s time to decide if it’s worth it to live as if you have to dumpster dive in your room every time you need something. 


(June 21–July 22):

You have a special show or movie that you like to watch for comfort even when you know the writing is bad and the actors aren’t that good. Anytime you hear someone criticize it, you try to find ways to convince them why they should still watch it despite its flaws, inadvertently taking it too personally. 


(July 23–August 22):

You like when others run on your time and not the other way around. Whenever someone walks too slow in front of you or makes you wait more than five minutes, you remember to return that energy with interest.


(August 23–September 22):

Everyone has their one group project horror story, yours is one just as bad as everyone’s but you seem to bring it up in every other conversation when group projects are brought up. Your friends wish that you would forget about it but even after years this will be the story you tell to new friends, on dates, and have on your will that it must be shared at your funeral. 


(September 23–October 22):

You constantly have to fight the indecisive-sign allegations because you refuse to take the proper time and steps to make decisions. Long-term goals with you are still wishy-washy and everyone wants to know how you intend to keep your New Year’s resolutions this time around. 


(October 23–November 21):

A stranger or acquaintance had once made a comment that wasn’t about you but you took it to heart and had dubbed them your nemesis. You have secretly been plotting revenge and the pieces are falling into place for you. Your friends and family know of this grudge and hope its a phase. 


(November 22–December 21):

You have had to ask for the attention you deserve and you keep a tally for when someone starts to slack on the boundaries you both set. After three strikes you ghost the person until they apologize with tears. 

This article is part of our humour section.

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